Diversity Statement - Need assistance Forum

[superhopefulwoo]

This is a pretty rough third/fourth draft, but I just don't know how to strengthen this. I also grew up in poverty and had a whole segment on that, but I thought it would be stronger without that aspect since this was already enough of a 'diversity' statement. I would appreciate any edits/suggestions asap! Thank you in advance:

[removed]

[Spritzpiggy]

Pretty good, I'd take out the part about not being able to hold your tongue though. Also, as a reader I'm curious why you never knew you were part Latina? Were you raised by a single parent? I would explain that a little more.

[superhopefulwoo]

My father was basically never home. He left our family when I was young for business trips and started coming home less and less frequently. Last year, he finally officially divorced my mother. So she was not literally a single mother but she acted alone for the most part. My dad never cared to share my Hispanic roots. I think it's Hispanic although I may or may not have family in Puerto Rico - I'm honestly not sure because I never spoke too deeply to my paternal grandmother about it and my father never shared much with me.

[alex.feuerman]

Pretty good, I'd take out the part about not being able to hold your tongue though. Also, as a reader I'm curious why you never knew you were part Latina? Were you raised by a single parent? I would explain that a little more.

Yes I agree with this guy. So were you living with your dad? I mean you were 15 years old and THAT's when you meet your cousins on your mother's side? Explain.

Also not sure about the "hermana" it seems like you're trying way too hard to rope in spanish.

It's good, but it's a little....vague....But what made me different is the very reason I am the passionate and creative, humble and hardworking, capable woman I am today.

Why, why did being different make you into all these things?

There's no good transition from "today....to In India"

It's well written don't get me wrong, just needs a bit of work.

[Spritzpiggy]

OK that explains it. I would say something along the lines of "ironically, due to my fathers absence and my mothers hesitation to discuss him, I was unaware of my Hispanic roots until I was s teenager." I also agree with the hermana word choice - it seems forced. Quincenera is fine because there's no English equivalent. In general I like it, especially the image of younot fitting in with the little Japanese girls. Good example.

[superhopefulwoo]

I'll make a few edits and clean up the language. Thank you for all the input. By the way should I mention I'm also first gen college student? Plus I was my moms sole caretaker for a year after graduating. I just can't really fit all of my hardships into my application and I didn't think its necessary even if its helpful

[Spritzpiggy]

No, you don't want it to sound like a woe-is-me statement. Pick one topic and stick with it. Maybe one of those could be a PS, but I presume you already have it written by now. I did read a great PS on here by a guy who was his grandfather's caretaker, who had Alzheimer's, while simultaneously enrolled in college and working. Just be sure that, whatever you write, you remain humble in your obstacles. Adcoms have heard it all so be sure to keep all challenges in perspective. I'm sure you will have a nice finished product.