:)

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
sailormoon
Posts: 44
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:27 pm

:)

Postby sailormoon » Sun Jan 22, 2012 5:00 pm

:)
Last edited by sailormoon on Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
2LT_CPG
Posts: 272
Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2011 7:26 pm

Re: Transgender Applicant, Need Feedback on my PS and DS,

Postby 2LT_CPG » Sun Jan 22, 2012 5:48 pm

My first instinct is to say that opening by outright saying you were raped may not be the way to go. I get that overcoming adversity stems from this, but it's fairly shocking to include as an opening line in your personal statement. Maybe tone it down, or say you suffered abuse for who you are? As far as the other content is concerned, I'd focus on and expand your third paragraph.

I don't mean this to be offensive, but is English your primary language? I ask because a lot of the writing is sloppy, words are used incorrectly, and the grammar is poor overall. You have an overuse of the passive voice, awkward phrasing, inconsistency (using the words 'trans' and 'transgender' interchangeably), and you misuse punctuation ('Straight A's). I'd edit the whole thing for you, but I'd say get it to a friend who's an English major or give it to an English professor to shop it.

Also, delete the comment about Muslims. I get what you're trying to say, but you need to avoid controversial statements about religion in your personal statement.

sailormoon
Posts: 44
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:27 pm

Re: Transgender Applicant, Need Feedback on my PS and DS,

Postby sailormoon » Sun Jan 22, 2012 6:02 pm

thanks! yes, english is not a first language. one of the barriers so far, even with LSAT. i will def edit. :)

sailormoon
Posts: 44
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:27 pm

Re: Transgender Applicant, Need Feedback on my PS and DS,

Postby sailormoon » Sun Jan 22, 2012 6:13 pm

also, could you pm me the words that you think I used incorrectly? i often use the dictionary to find what words to use but sometimes i may be using them in the wrong context. thanks!




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