Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

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hanman
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:42 pm

Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

Postby hanman » Thu Dec 29, 2011 9:47 pm

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Last edited by hanman on Mon Jan 16, 2012 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

horrorbusiness
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Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Dec 29, 2011 11:23 pm

As someone who critiques events and practices in Pakistan from the outside, I have found myself treated with increasing vitriol.


I think your DS is great. I'm just not sure what you're talking about in this sentence. Critiques, practices - what?

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Ohiobumpkin
Posts: 465
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Re: Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

Postby Ohiobumpkin » Tue Jan 03, 2012 1:47 am

I really like your DS. I'm sorry for any discrimination you have suffered. Best wishes to you and your husband living in the U.S., and I wish the best for the Pakistani peoples' future. Here are two things I found confusing.

"experiential reality", is this an appropriate phrase? Could you simply say experience with, or something less technical sounding. Also, what is "intersectionality theory"? Is this a sociological/feminist theory? Maybe this is integral to your DS, but usually I believe it is recommended that while writing a PS/DS that technical and specialist terms should be avoided. You want to write something that an average person would mostly understand.

Again, I think that this is an excellent DS. Hope this helps.

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Ohiobumpkin
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Re: Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

Postby Ohiobumpkin » Tue Jan 03, 2012 1:54 am

horrorbusiness wrote:
As someone who critiques events and practices in Pakistan from the outside, I have found myself treated with increasing vitriol.


I think your DS is great. I'm just not sure what you're talking about in this sentence. Critiques, practices - what?


She is speaking about some of the more hardline policies that discriminate against women and other segments of society in Pakistan. I think the wording could be better, but I think most admissions officials would understand. Perhaps saying something like "As someone who critiques repressive cultural and governmental practices in Pakistan, I have found myself treated with intense vitriol." would sound better.

hanman
Posts: 97
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:42 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - any feedback much appreciated !

Postby hanman » Sat Jan 07, 2012 9:59 pm

Ohiobumpkin wrote:I really like your DS. I'm sorry for any discrimination you have suffered. Best wishes to you and your husband living in the U.S., and I wish the best for the Pakistani peoples' future. Here are two things I found confusing.

"experiential reality", is this an appropriate phrase? Could you simply say experience with, or something less technical sounding. Also, what is "intersectionality theory"? Is this a sociological/feminist theory? Maybe this is integral to your DS, but usually I believe it is recommended that while writing a PS/DS that technical and specialist terms should be avoided. You want to write something that an average person would mostly understand.

Again, I think that this is an excellent DS. Hope this helps.



Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I agree with your comments - I have removed the more technical/academic language of 'intersectionality' etc and it reads better now. thanks so much!




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