Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
spek
Posts: 385
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:40 am

Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby spek » Mon Sep 19, 2011 4:25 am

I'd appreciate any advice/insight on my DS. It's still in its early stages; I've spent some time working on it but I'm at a loss about what to do next. Please don't quote this because I will be taking it down and don't want to leave any traces behind.

Thanks for the help!

---


Thanks again. Back to the drawing board :)
Last edited by spek on Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:06 am

CONSIDER: "...while I struggled...", instead of "...and I struggled...".

CONSIDER: "...an unusual relationship...", rather than "...a unique relationship..." since "unique" is as overused--and misused--as is "countless".

This is a much improved essay, but is still in need of further revision. The first three paragraphs are better than the final two paragraphs, in my opinion.

P.S. The last two paragraphs mix verb tenses; sentences need to be restructured & "amalgam" seems a bit forced and artificial even though accurate. Consider "mixture" instead of "amalgam".

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Justdoingmybest
Posts: 172
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:58 pm

Re: Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby Justdoingmybest » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:13 am

Hey I think I like your idea but here are my suggestions

1. I think you should also focus on your life after 17. What have you done after the trip? Also you need to incorporate more of yourself into the essay. Give more examples and details.

2. I know its not a personal statement but it feels like a general trip to a foreign country, whats unique about Nigeria (apart from the fact that you are from there)? How does this impact contribute to your diversity?
Did you experience some culture shock? What hardships or successes has your culture brought on you?
More details

You need to be a little more personal because right now almost any Nigerian who has gone back to their country can have these experiences. Also how has your Nigerian identity affected the other places you lived in and people you have come in contact with?

Yoo dara o

spek
Posts: 385
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby spek » Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:38 pm

Thanks for the responses so far! Any other thoughts?

spek
Posts: 385
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby spek » Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:11 am

.
Last edited by spek on Tue Sep 20, 2011 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

spek
Posts: 385
Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Please Critique My DS--will be taken down tomorrow

Postby spek » Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:37 pm

*bump




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