URM DS Sample (Critiques Please)

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
CADMVNOTSOCOOL
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:19 am

URM DS Sample (Critiques Please)

Postby CADMVNOTSOCOOL » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:45 pm

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Last edited by CADMVNOTSOCOOL on Mon Jan 17, 2011 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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EbonyEsq
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:06 am

Re: URM DS Sample (Critiques Please)

Postby EbonyEsq » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:53 pm

CADMVNOTSOCOOL wrote:I feel as if it's incomplete. Any suggestions on how to make the essay more cohesive and complete.

Thanks.


"Is this the future you want?"

A hardened high school counselor accustomed to dismissing students had directed this question to me. His question and Its tacit implications gave me pause. It was not the life that I wanted (comma removed) but one I accepted as the child of teenage parents and a drug addicted father. Working 30 hours a week from 15 years old of age and caring for my lupus afflicted mother wore me down had worn me down. I had quickly signed the exit papers presented to me, (semi colon replaced with comma) thereby ending my high school career.

My counselor had repeated the question once more:

"Is this the future you want?"

I thought about the question, struggling with its tacit implications

"No sir, this isn’t", sliding into my chair defeatedly.

Upon leaving his office, I pondered to ask myself how did I get here?. Was it the moniker 'learning disabled' that came with my fear of reading aloud because of problems at home? Perhaps this was my fault. My high school did have two tracks: college and non-college bound those that went on to college and those that did not. Perhaps my school's fault as they never asked if I wanted to be the on college bound track attend college. The question rolled through my head. "what does it matter, I'm a faceless drop-out now" is what I eventually settled on. Upon further reflection, I reasoned that it no longer mattered as I was just another faceless drop-out added to my demographic.

I languished, wondering pondering/contemplating on those same questions for two years. I had followed the route ascribed to faceless chicano dropouts. By January 2005, I had reason to no longer ponder. Contrary to societal expectations and my own internal battles, I elected to take a chance on becoming educated continue on with my education by registering at a local community college. Upon learning there that I could attend a university, I immediately felt empowered. I did not see it then (comma removed) but my transformation had begun. Education seemed tangible and I latched on it, subsequently transferring to UCLA.

I ask myself if being a high school drop-out(hyphen added) is a product of fate: (colon added) a reality that seems to conflict with my goal of steering others from the direction I once took. Now a college graduate, the once seemingly unambiguous lines of class, race, and education appear murky yet in essence captures the uneasiness I feel toward my past and present. Certainly I am no longer the 'at-risk' student. Conversely, I am not the typical UCLA honors student.

Overcoming my difficult circumstances have provided personal insight into peoples individuals like me. Hard lessons buttressed by years of quiet introspection and experience ensure that these notions are no longer idle as it helps to connect my past and present.


My comments and suggestons above.

Red - remove

Blue - add/consider adding


I have a few questions which I will pose in a follow up post.

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EbonyEsq
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:06 am

Re: URM DS Sample (Critiques Please)

Postby EbonyEsq » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:17 pm

I like it but a few questions:

Overcoming difficult circumstances have provided personal insight into peoples like me. Hard lessons buttressed by years of quiet introspection and experience ensure that these notions are no longer idle as it helps to connect my past and present.


Explicate on the personal insight it has brought you. What have you seen/observed/related with?

What notions?




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