Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:06 am

I tried to connect the ideas better this time. Please let me know your thoughts.

Growing up, I did not know what it meant to be African American. These identities were mutually exclusive to my childhood friends who divided themselves into two groups along cultural lines. The daughter of a Nigerian man and an American woman, I often felt alienated since my perceived cultural deficiencies—such as my inability to speak Efik or do the Harlem Shake—precluded full acceptance from either group. In this unbound state, I witnessed the conflict between these groups unravel. My Nigerian counterparts contended that American culture was bland and touted the superiority of their African customs. My American peers countered that Africans were “wild and dirty” and asserted that it was better to be American.

Both camps settled stubbornly on the issue. In their eyes, to embrace the other culture meant to associate with something contemptible. But having lived in a home with Nigerian and American values, I saw admirable qualities in both cultures, like the strong sense of community among Nigerians and the emphasis on equal opportunity among Americans. In their subjectivity, my friends had difficulty appreciating these and other positive attributes of the culture they opposed. Instead of ascribing to a skewed perspective, I began to take pride in my Nigerian American heritage and enjoy activities that displayed it, such as speaking Nigerian Pidgin English.

I learned the value of independent thought through this experience. Whereas in my youth I took an objective role because of circumstance, as an adult I do so out of choice.

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:08 am

Bump...I wanna get this out before next week and keep it under 250 words

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EbonyEsq
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:06 am

Re: Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

Postby EbonyEsq » Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:22 pm

Lady_In_Red wrote:I tried to connect the ideas better this time. Please let me know your thoughts.

Growing up, I did not know what it meant to be African American. These identities were mutually exclusive to my childhood friends who divided themselves into two groups along cultural lines. The daughter of a Nigerian man and an American woman, I often felt alienated since my perceived cultural deficiencies—such as my inability to speak Efik or do the Harlem Shake—precluded full acceptance from either group. In this unbound state, I witnessed the conflict between these groups unravel. My Nigerian counterparts contended that American culture was bland and touted the superiority of their African customs. My American peers countered that Africans were “wild and dirty” and asserted that it was better to be American.

Both camps settled stubbornly on the issue. In their eyes, to embrace the other culture meant to associate with something contemptible. But having lived in a home with Nigerian and American values, I saw admirable qualities in both cultures, like the strong sense of community among Nigerians and the emphasis on equal opportunity among Americans {avoid repetition of "among"...perhaps you can say "strong sense of communitiy within Nigerian culture.."}. In their subjectivity, my friends had difficulty appreciating these and other positive attributes of the culture they opposed. Instead of ascribing to a skewed perspective, I began to take pride in my Nigerian American {hyphenate Nigerian American} heritage and enjoy activities that displayed it, such as speaking Nigerian Pidgin English.

I learned the value of independent thought through this experience. Whereas in my youth I took an objective role because of circumstance, as an adult I do so out of {I would say by choice }.



Other than those comments, looks good! Is this for Yale?

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:08 pm

Thanks EbonyEsq! Yea Yale is one of the MANY schools I'm applying to. Some of them have a 250 requirement on the DS, and I'm not trying to write multiple versions of a DS...too late in the game for all that extra imo

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EbonyEsq
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:06 am

Re: Critique the final draft (hopefully) of my DS?

Postby EbonyEsq » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:48 pm

Lady_In_Red wrote:Thanks EbonyEsq! Yea Yale is one of the MANY schools I'm applying to. Some of them have a 250 requirement on the DS, and I'm not trying to write multiple versions of a DS...too late in the game for all that extra imo


I agree. Good luck with your cycle!




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