Critique my revised DS?

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Critique my revised DS?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:23 pm

Here it is:

Growing up, I did not know what it meant to be African American. These identities were mutually exclusive to my childhood friends. The daughter of a Nigerian man and an American woman, I fit neatly into neither category. My Nigerian friends claimed that I was not truly Naija because I had never eaten moimoi and could speak no native tongue. But because of my strict religious upbringing, I was unable to exhibit what my American friends considered characteristic American behavior, like recite the lyrics of Biggie’s “Warning” or explain how to “ice grill” someone.

I felt alienated since my alleged deficiencies precluded full acceptance from either group. In this unbound state, I saw the conflict between these groups unravel. My Nigerian counterparts contended that American culture was bland and touted the superiority of their African customs. My American peers countered that Africans were “wild and dirty” and asserted that it was better to be from the United States.

Both camps settled stubbornly on the issue and refused to consider other perspectives. Instead of ascribing to either skewed view, I decided to synthesize both cultures and embrace my own identity. I began taking pride in my Nigerian American heritage and enjoying activities that integrated features of both cultures, such as speaking Nigerian Pidgin English.

I appreciate this childhood experience for teaching me the value of independent thought. Whereas in my youth I took an objective role because of circumstance, as an adult I do so out of choice.

gamblera
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm

Re: Critique my revised DS?

Postby gamblera » Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:33 am

" like recite the lyrics of Biggie’s “Warning” or explain how to “ice grill” someone. '

i dont like this. too late for full critique. maybe later.

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birdmann783
Posts: 61
Joined: Sun Jul 19, 2009 10:57 am

Re: Critique my revised DS?

Postby birdmann783 » Mon Jan 10, 2011 8:24 am

Same about the biggie part. Ppl who don't know the song might listen to it and you don't want the first words they hear to be

"Who the fuck is this?"

Lady_In_Red
Posts: 30
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:09 pm

Re: Critique my revised DS?

Postby Lady_In_Red » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:02 pm

Lol ok...I'll change that. What about the rest of it though?

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Ratchet Jackson
Posts: 2703
Joined: Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:41 pm

Re: Critique my revised DS?

Postby Ratchet Jackson » Mon Jan 10, 2011 3:30 pm

Content-wise it's ok...but you have some connection issues. What was the catalyst that prompted you to synthesize the American and Nigerian cultures in forming your identity? You seem to jump from "I was outcasted" to "now I embrace both cultures". That's too epic of a jump without proper explanation, IMO. I need that picture painted a bit clearer.




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