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(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
barbizon
Posts: 75
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:16 pm

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Postby barbizon » Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:17 pm

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Last edited by barbizon on Thu Jan 19, 2012 5:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.

djfe4president
Posts: 73
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:47 pm

Re: critique my diversity statement

Postby djfe4president » Sat Dec 25, 2010 5:07 pm

barbizon wrote:If you give me feedback, I will gladly return the favor. Thank you.



They had an agreement: I would be raised both a Catholic and a Muslim. My mother, a Mexican-American, was born in the San Joaquin Valley. She worked as a farm laborer from an early age until she turned twenty. My father, an immigrant from India, moved to Fresno at the age of nineteen and paid his way through college by working at convenience stores. They met and fell in love at Fresno State University. I don’t think they realized the extent to which their cultural and religious identities differed until they planned to start a family.

Even as a child, I could tell that my upbringing was not typical. I would go to both catechism and Arabic school, church on Sunday and Mosque on Friday. It wasn’t easy. There was a constant battle between my parents over which culture and religion would influence me – over whose identity I would ultimately claim as my own. All the while, I was experimenting with my own sense of self. As I matured, I participated in activities that were unimpeachably American. I went out to rock concerts, and even started my own band. I fell in love with reading, specifically American literature. I became active in politics by interning for a local politician. As my parents observed my various activities and how I’d developed as a thinker, they knew that my identity encompassed more than one nationality. I am Mexican, Indian, and American.

My family has a much more relaxed relationship today. My parents do not expect me to claim one of their identities exclusively, but rather, to carry both while creating my own. We have taught each other to understand and appreciate our multitude of identities. I would like to bring this understanding to _____________



It wasn’t easy. ----Make it "it was not easy"
You should remove all apostrophes



Also how is what your bringing to a law school class special?
What will this really add to the "ATMOSPHERE"

I know this isnt what you mean but it sounds like your "understanding" only benefits you

Also remove your name....WE DON'T WANT YOUR WHOLE GOVERNMENT...i didn't quote your name for that reason

barbizon
Posts: 75
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:16 pm

Re: critique my diversity statement

Postby barbizon » Sat Dec 25, 2010 6:27 pm

Thank you so much for the feedback. I'll try to frame the last paragraph to be more specific about what I would bring to the class. If there is anything you would like me to critique, simply pm me.

I'm still hoping for more suggestions.

djfe4president
Posts: 73
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:47 pm

Re: critique my diversity statement

Postby djfe4president » Sat Dec 25, 2010 8:42 pm

i meant move your name from this post...if you ended your d.s. with that though, you should change it

User avatar
BlakcMajikc
Posts: 763
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:05 pm

Re: critique my diversity statement

Postby BlakcMajikc » Mon Dec 27, 2010 10:40 pm

The advice I give for most essays applies here: More details... Show, don't tell. Don't put the admissions folks to sleep.




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