DS feedback

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
mchildr1
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:11 pm

DS feedback

Postby mchildr1 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:41 pm

Any constructive feedback on my DS is welcome. I shot for a "diversity" statement and not an "adversity" statement.

I grew up in a household with two strong, loving, black parents who spent every minute of their lives mentoring and showing me the right way to live life. Respect, humbleness, and ambition beyond status quo were morals and values driven into my demeanor on a daily basis. Out of everything stressed by my parents though, the number one trait was to give back to those less fortunate.
As a young child, my parents would encourage me to work volunteer events locally such as soup kitchens and helping coach sports. By exposing to me to individuals in various unfortunate situations, I quickly realized by high school how blessed I was to have a loving family who supported me in all my endeavors. By high school I also realized how much of a positive influence my parents had on my peers that were going through difficult times. Kids and adults alike in the black community looked at my parents and saw it was possible to become a nurse supervisor, or a leading businessman. My parents showed us that it was possible to be successful, black, and also stay morally true to family and loved ones. By high school, I knew for a fact that I wanted to be in a position to have a positive influence in my black community.
As a black male attending Georgetown University Law Center, not only would I bring my experiences from home to the classroom, but I would take my experiences from the classroom to my community. I have genuine passion for mentoring and helping young black males both in my old home of Richmond, VA and in my new home of Washington D.C. Many of my mentoring programs focus primarily on education, and pressing the belief that college is a possibility even for our black youth. While in school and as an alumnus, I would be an ambassador of Georgetown in my community, sharing my experiences and pushing the boys I work with to chase their dreams. My parents showed me the possibilities life has to offer through hard work, and I hope to show those same possibilities to my community and family as well.

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chrissyc
Posts: 257
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:14 pm

Re: DS feedback

Postby chrissyc » Thu Nov 18, 2010 7:22 am

mchildr1 wrote:Any constructive feedback on my DS is welcome. I shot for a "diversity" statement and not an "adversity" statement.

I grew up in a household with two strong, loving, black parents who spent every minute of their lives mentoring and showing me the right way to live life. Respect, humbleness, and ambition beyond status quo were morals and values driven into my demeanor on a daily basis. Out of everything stressed by my parents though, the number one trait was to give back to those less fortunate.
As a young child, my parents would encourage me to work volunteer events locally such as soup kitchens and helping coach sports. By exposing to me to individuals in various unfortunate situations, I quickly realized by high school how blessed I was to have a loving family who supported me in all my endeavors. By high school I also realized how much of a positive influence my parents had on my peers that were going through difficult times. Kids and adults alike in the black community looked at my parents and saw it was possible to become a nurse supervisor, or a leading businessman. My parents showed us that it was possible to be successful, black, and also stay morally true to family and loved ones. By high school, I knew for a fact that I wanted to be in a position to have a positive influence in my black community.
As a black male attending Georgetown University Law Center, not only would I bring my experiences from home to the classroom, but I would take my experiences from the classroom to my community. I have genuine passion for mentoring and helping young black males both in my old home of Richmond, VA and in my new home of Washington D.C. Many of my mentoring programs focus primarily on education, and pressing the belief that college is a possibility even for our black youth. While in school and as an alumnus, I would be an ambassador of Georgetown in my community, sharing my experiences and pushing the boys I work with to chase their dreams. My parents showed me the possibilities life has to offer through hard work, and I hope to show those same possibilities to my community and family as well.



Okay so here are some areas that I think could be improved a bit:
" Respect, humbleness, and ambition beyond status quo were morals and values driven into my demeanor on a daily basis."
It seems that you mean to say: Respect, HUMILITY, and transcending the status quo were morals and values engrained into my character on a daily basis.

you say "by high school"....."by high school" ....vary your sentences

you vaguely use words like "us" without identifying the referent of the word

your ending paragraph isn't concrete enough. I think you should give a specific example of how you hope to apply what you've experienced and what you think you'll experience in order to further your goals.

Hope this helps...good luck!

mchildr1
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:11 pm

Re: DS feedback

Postby mchildr1 » Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:21 am

Thank you. I will definitely incorporate those into the paper.

I tried with the concrete examples but I had already hit my 1 page limit. I was told not to go over 1 page and the text above is exactly one page haha. Hopefully it is good enough.

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chrissyc
Posts: 257
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:14 pm

Re: DS feedback

Postby chrissyc » Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:28 am

you're welcome...I would change the ending to incorporate an example...don't just try to add more...change what you have to open up some space.




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