Personal Statement Rough Draft--CRITIQUES?

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
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Personal Statement Rough Draft--CRITIQUES?

Postby mez06 » Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:58 am

It is my belief that what defines thee is that for which you do. Thus, who I am can best be described by the activities that I have vested myself in. Fighting for the belief that everyone should have an equivocal shot at opportunity and happiness, has been the mantra that fuels all that I do. It centers me and is in fact my very passion. It has been said that silence can be confused with agreement. So what good is a person’s voice if it is never used? That is why, I have made it my point to respond loudly thru action.

My collegiate years and those after have been filled with such involvements that have personified my response. Entering into my freshmen year, I immediately got involved with the nation’s oldest civil rights organization, the N.A.A.C.P. Serving as the secretary and eventual President, I introduced many programs that embodied that same mantra. One such event, was one in which we partnered with the Innocence Project in the case of Alan Crotzer. Wrongfully incarcerated for 24 years for the crime of abduction and rape of a minor, the Innocence Project successfully exonerated him by the use of DNA evidence. Entitled to retribution due to the failure of our criminal justice system, the state of Florida pushed back the bill to properly compensate him for quite some time. To ensure that some type of amends be made on behalf of our state, I created a student forum in which Mr. Crotzer detailed the events of his wrongful conviction to a crowd of 100+ college students. As the bill was to be reintroduced to the Florida House, we established a pipeline of letters to be written and delivered to our State Representatives. And as an intern at the House of Representatives, I had direct access to making sure that the voice of their constituents and justice be heard. Another initiative that I spear-headed was the introduction of our “Support a Minority Business Program”. In knowing that businesses of (insert college town) are predominately sustained by the revenue students provide, I decided to channel this economic power into a proactive strategy. I corresponded with organizations such as the Latino Student Union, the Black Student Union, and P.R.I.D.E, to support businesses owned and operated by minorities and groups that have been historically discriminated against. In bringing 50+ individuals to such venues, we increased the awareness and revenues of these businesses. Enabling us as students to protect and recognize the diversity that makes (insert college town) the enriching city that it is. As President of my fraternity, I lead a diverse brotherhood that included the Student Body Vice-President and several organizational leaders. This equipped me with the ability to fine-tune my skills in leveraging and maximizing the strengths of a few in order to serve the many. For instance, I created an event that was geared toward educating minorities on how to properly obtain internships and how to positively present themselves to employers at the career fair. Due to the wide experience of our fraternity’s members, we were able to bring in two recruiters from the INROADS and SEO programs (programs that connect minorities with Fortune 500 company internships). In addition, we walked students thru how to: properly dress, introduce themselves, convey their strong points, and construct resumes. All tools necessary in obtaining and competing in a drastically competitive economy. As I transitioned from college to starting my position with (insert fortune 500 company) in California, I remained steadfast in my commitment to helping others. Though adamantly focused on establishing myself in the company, I knew that my internal spirit would not allow me to minimize my service to the community. It trying to establish a tool of durability to further help prepare youth of lower socio-economic backgrounds, I devised a 10 week program aimed at the personal and professional development of youth ages 12-18. Each weekly y session focused on core lessons that are instrumental in distinguishing yourself in pursuit of one’s dreams. From the importance of education, to how to properly dress, the lessons were presented in a manner that was effective in its aim of penetrating the minds of this generation’s youth.

In establishing initiatives and programs, I have received many thanks and appreciation. What is satisfying however, is not the thanks I receive, but the feeling of dutifully meeting what I see as a moral obligation. The truth is, I was once a very unpolished young man who possessed the ability to be great but lacked the adequate direction. And just as the many mentors in my life have imparted knowledge and service into my being, I too have developed a strong sense of the collective versus the individual. It is with this in mind, that I pursue the Juris Doctorate.

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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft--CRITIQUES?

Postby plenipotentiary » Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:03 pm

Personal statements should be somewhat formal, but you need to take it down a notch. Cut the thee/thus/equivocal/collegiate stuff. It's awkward and tiresome.

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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft--CRITIQUES?

Postby strawberryfanta » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:16 am

Paragraphs please.

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Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft--CRITIQUES?

Postby mm202 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:48 pm

seems a bit like a restatement of your resume.

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