Rough Draft 1st paragraph

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lawguy87
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Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby lawguy87 » Sun Aug 29, 2010 3:35 am

Here is a rough 1st paragraph. Read and let me know what you think.


-Thanks


Here I am, it’s 3 am and I’m on the opposite side of the door playing “negotiator”, trying to convince my close relative to open the door, telling them that they have much to live for in an attempt to prevent there suicide. I have had to diffuse fights and arguments amongst family members before but this, this is new and strange. After this close brush with death which was successfully diffused, it first dawned on me how scary, exhilarating, and challenging life really could be. This would be the first time I would think about the journey that would give me similar challenges and seemingly insurmountable odds like this one I faced. Of course I would not want to have to convince someone not to take their own life again, but a challenging curriculum surrounded by problem solvers excited me. Having been the person looked upon for advice from my family and peers during my adult life empowered me with a humbling leadership role which altered my mindset. These experiences spawned the thought that if I am to give advice and counsel to people in any capacity let it be through the legal system, let it be through law.

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Horchata
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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby Horchata » Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:55 pm

I think it's a pretty interesting start. If your going to go down this path, you need to include a lot of examples. Good luck

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lawguy87
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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby lawguy87 » Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:39 am

Here is a revised draft of my intro paragraph. Let me know what you think of the changes.


-Thanks

It’s 3 am and there I was, on the opposite side of the door playing “negotiator”, trying to convince my (relative) to open the door. Convinced that life was not worth living anymore she was at her breaking point ready to end it all; I was not about to let that happen. Despite the fact that this situation was much more grave than the typical argument amongst family members, I succeeded in showing my [relative] that her life still had purpose. After this close brush with death it dawned on me how scary, exhilarating, and challenging life really could be. In the wake of this event I realized my own purpose in life, I knew that I wanted to help people make life altering decisions, and make them correctly. This incident forced me to passionately debate with my (relative) about the importance of life for hours on in, and after it was over, I was left exhausted but fulfilled. Experiences like this altered my mindset and made me realize that if I am to give advice and counsel to people in any capacity let it be through the legal system, let it be through law.

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birdmann783
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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby birdmann783 » Fri Sep 03, 2010 11:56 am

homie, u need to write the whole thing...then show us

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:02 pm

My intial impression is that a positions such as clergyman, social worker, psychologist or talk show host (e.g. Dr. Phil) would be fulfilling career options for you based on your first paragraph. The field of law requires further explanation as your chosen path based on your writing so far.

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2807
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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby 2807 » Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:39 pm

Ok, well, you have a grasp on your concept. But, you have a long way to go to fill two coherent and connected pages. Write more, come back.

Also: having "a moment" like the one referenced here is too thin:
"In the wake of this event I realized my own purpose in life, I knew that I wanted to help people make life altering decisions, and make them correctly."

There are better ways to say that. For starters try something like this:
" This experience reinforced my focus and empowered my desire to help others. I knew I had the ability to effectively communicate with others during stressful situations"




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