PS 1st paragraph draft

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
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lawguy87
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Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:00 pm

PS 1st paragraph draft

Postby lawguy87 » Wed Jul 28, 2010 11:02 pm

Please read and reply, constructive criticism is appreciated. This was written as a "get your ideas on paper" draft. Let me know what you think.


Thanks


1,972 days, that’s roughly 5.5 years of my life not only in pursuit of what some see as “a good stopping point in education” attaining my bachelor’s degree, but hands down the most transformative time I have ever lived through. For the people that know the story of my life the best they say “with all you have been through you still want to go for more and a law degree at that”, and my answer is unequivocally yes. In that 5.5 year period since I have been mentally and emotionally challenged with one ultimate goal, to make my family proud of my accomplishments all while showing my younger family members that their life does not have to be a continuation of a customary cycle both sides of my family has been stuck in since our beginning. I sit now and think about how funny my life is in that my challenging moments seemed to appear after finishing high school, when we are supposed to transition from a child to an adult. Some of my darkest days as an ambitious undergraduate were burdened with trying to hold my family together as my parents were gearing up for separation and possible divorce due to infidelity and years of drug abuse, as well as welcoming and caring for extended family due to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, which lasted for nearly two years. This all coupled with being a full time student with full time employment. It is easier to try and summarize the difficulties I have faced in writing, but actually living through the problems life chooses to give us is on a another plane entirely. I was once asked if I could change any part of my life to accommodate my academic career, would I. My answer still remains the same, no I wouldn’t. The things that have transpired in my life all played a major role in shaping the type of person I have come to be. My challenges have empowered me to become a headstrong individual with a very sound list of core values, the use of common sense being the first. The life lessons I have learned as well as the skills I have harnessed as a business student has made me a person hungry for knowledge and ready for new challenges, the type of challenges law school has to offer.

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merichard87
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Joined: Thu Feb 18, 2010 2:31 pm

Re: PS 1st paragraph draft

Postby merichard87 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:35 am

I'll be honest and say it doesn't grab me. The content is ok but the way you are conveying the information makes it seem very woe is me which in my opinion is not a good thing.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS 1st paragraph draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:52 am

Two problems with this paragraph: 1) It is not well written & 2) The content presents you in a very unfavorable light. Please consider starting over as this paragraph is likely to harm your law school applications.
P.S. Referring to yourself as "headstrong" is unwise since our legal system values well reasoned opinions & practical solutions. When you portray yourself as being headstrong, you are suggesting that you are too immature for law school.
Referring to your college years as a "transformative time" in your life is good and presents you in a positive light.
Phrase like "darkest days" and "mentally & emotionally challenged" are harmful in that they prompt the reader to question your mental state & your ability to handle the pressures of law school.
Focus on positives. Struggles, even ongoing conflicts, can be addressed if shown in a manner indicative of ongoing personal growth.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Total Litigator
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Re: PS 1st paragraph draft

Postby Total Litigator » Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:03 am

You would probably be better off changing the first sentence to "It was a dark and stormy night."

I keed, I keed.

But seriously, it probably needs a completely new first sentence. I think when a reviewer reads that he might let out a groan.




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