URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
MS.LEGALBRIEFS
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URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Fri Jan 29, 2010 8:58 pm

My dream of becoming an attorney was inspired by the achievements of Thurgood Marshall and the other men and women, who defended, prosecuted, fought, and won for those who were unable to speak for themselves. Although I am aware of the sometimes frustrating realities of legal procedure, I am not deterred. I have already spent ninety hours as an intern in the office of Louisiana State Representative ____________ Jr, where I learned about the routines involved in handling criminal and civil cases.
I am not naive, and I am determined. Some of the lawyers I worked for came from backgrounds similar to my own. They too were once required to tuck their egos beneath a hat that bore a McDonald’s logo. They overcome adversity and socio-economic disadvantages, and I will follow their example. Although I come from an impoverished background, I am determined to make my socio-economic disadvantages into stepping stones rather than social barriers. The experience of growing up in a neighborhood plagued by drug-pushing, drug addiction and prostitution has made me resolve to set higher goals for myself. Being reared in a single parent household has given me another perspective that reinforces my determination to make a difference.
I am not going to become a mere statistic. Growing up in poverty has taught me the skills of survival and instilled a commitment to progress. Becoming the first college graduate in my family has encouraged me to work for further success. I am determined to escape the conditions of crime and to defy notions of a life pre-determined by my ancestry.
I am not unprepared. My studies in political science and international affairs have helped me understand the political context of legal decisions. I spent my junior and senior years becoming proficient in colloquial Arabic. (Dr. Himaya, a professor of physics at _____________State University, can attest to my competence.) Of course, after several months of being busy learning Arabic script, I needed some spending money and longed to read more in English. I took a job shelving books in the library. One day I came across a large red book entitled, The Cases and Materials on Sex-Based Discrimination. I found the subject matter captivating and this helped me see their relationship between my studies in Political Science and the cases I hoped to argue in marbled courtrooms. This discovery renewed my sense of purpose; it made me to take my studies more seriously, to set higher goals for myself.
I am not utopian, and I know I cannot prevent injustice in every corner of the world, but I have committed myself to upholding the laws and values that most Americans hold most dear: the hope for the humane treatment of all people and the need for an equitable implementation of the Constitution motivate me to pursue a legal career. I’m eager to learn and I’m ready to grow. I hope to learn my craft so I can lessen the unnecessary suffering so many people endure when they cannot access the protection of the law.

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hiromoto45
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby hiromoto45 » Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:41 pm

I wouldn't submit this tonight...you have a lot of work to do on this...have you applied with this PS to other law schools? If so have you been admitted yet?

Critique: You put about 4 life experiences into 1 statement, and they do not follow together. You do not explain what you did or how it has affected you. Its just a list of experiences linked by a line, "I will/I am/I learned" and you leave it as that. You would be better off doing a PS and DS from what you have here. You bury that you are the first to grad. from your family...that is the only real highlight i see in this PS.

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neimanmarxist
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby neimanmarxist » Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:48 pm

Don't say:
"I am not naive." It doesn't achieve the desired effect of conveying that you aren't guided by frivolous ideology.

And
"I am not utopian" is incorrect word usage. What are you trying to say here?

You seem to have a lot of passion and to have accomplished some really remarkable things. As the previous poster said, try and select a single theme and draw it out over the course of your essay instead of jumping around so much. Maybe you should wait a day or two and do a little revising, re-post what you have written

good luck :)

MS.LEGALBRIEFS
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Fri Jan 29, 2010 9:52 pm

i would have to disagree about the word usage.. "I am not utopian" is my way of saying that i am not entirely idealistic and i believe my ps achieves this notion.

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TonyDigital
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby TonyDigital » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:11 pm

I think your PS is too vague. For instance, you name-dropped Thurgood Marshall and said you were inspired by him in your opening sentence but then that was it. No connection on what it was Thurgood Marshall did that inspired you. That's similar to someone saying, "I was inspired by Abraham Lincoln because he accomplished great things"... There's no meat there.

I don't know if your usage of the word "utopian" is incorrect or not but it definitely doesn't flow well. Replacing it with "I don't believe I'm overly idealistic" or even "I'm not idealistic" would be better. But that's nit-picky, the real problem is even if you did that, you didn't show that you weren't idealistic at all in your PS. Actually, quite the opposite. Your whole PS shouts idealism so just saying "I'm not utopian" doesn't do anything for you except makes you seem confused as to what you're trying to communicate to the reader.

I think you know what you want to say...but whatever it was, I don't think it was conveyed well at all. My main advice is to focus on one experience and try to show the adcoms all your good qualities through the context of that one experience or thought or even a notion. Be more specific and not so vague because you'll get lost in the thousands of PS's that don't catch the adcom's attention if you don't.

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bitlrc
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby bitlrc » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:19 pm

i think you have good content and some solid building blocks, but i'd have to agree with some of the above comments. when you say "i am not utopian," i believe the way it is literally interpreted is that you are not a native to the land of utopia, which most adcomms will already know.

i have a similar PS with some of the same themes of growing up without money, child of a single mother, etc, but instead of just saying that i will/have overcome it, i used specific examples. maybe you grew up in a bad neighborhood, so you decided to tutor underprivileged kids in your neighborhood so they could have a better chance than you did. this way you take a negative from your life, show specifically what you did to help improve it, and demonstrate how this challenge actually ended up making you a better person. ideally, you'd want an example of something that better prepared you for legal study/a legal career, but this was the first thing that popped into my mind.

obviously this may never have happened, but hopefully you can see what i'm getting at. that's the strategy i used in my PS, and although i wasn't applying to harvard, i did receive a very complimentary email from the dean of one of my top choices about how impressive and inspiring my PS was, so hopefully this will carry some weight.

MS.LEGALBRIEFS
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:34 pm

okay here is a revised version...

My dream of becoming an attorney was inspired by the achievements of Thurgood Marshall and the other men and women, who defended, prosecuted, fought, and won for those who were unable to speak for themselves. His involvement in the fight for civil rights encouraged me to fight for changes that directly and indirectly effected citizens. Although I am aware of the sometimes frustrating realities of legal procedure, I am not deterred. I have already spent ninety hours as an intern in the office of Louisiana State Representative Attorney___________, Jr, where I learned about the routines involved in handling criminal and civil cases.
I am determined. Some of the lawyers I worked for came from backgrounds similar to my own. They too were once required to tuck their egos beneath a hat that bore a McDonald’s logo. They overcame adversity and socio-economic disadvantages, and I will follow their example. Although I come from an impoverished background, I am determined to make my socio-economic disadvantages into stepping stones rather than social barriers. The experience of growing up in a neighborhood plagued by drug-pushing, drug addiction and prostitution has made me resolve to set higher goals for myself. Being reared in a single parent household has given me another perspective that reinforces my determination to make a difference.
Undeterred by the socioeconomic limitations, i am determined to succeed. Growing up in poverty has taught me the skills of survival and instilled a commitment to progress. While living in my old neighborhood, I engineered after school programs that offered tutoring in math, English and sex education. I felt that my commmunity suffered in part, for a lack of information. Children were failing out of school at unprecedent rates and were single parents before they were high school students. I felt as if it were my duty to start a program that showed the youth of the community that they could also suceed through education. The inflation of AIDs in my community caused me to include within this program sed education. The sucess of this program came from people already affected witht he disease who used their experience as testimonies to the children. Giving back to my community would continue after I became the first college student and graduate in my family. I am determined to escape the conditions of crime and to defy notions of a life pre-determined by my ancestry.
I am prepared. My studies in political science and international affairs have helped me understand the political context of legal decisions. I spent my junior and senior years becoming proficient in colloquial Arabic. (Dr. Himaya, a professor of physics at __________ State University, can attest to my competence.) Of course, after several months of being busy learning Arabic script, I needed some spending money and longed to read more in English. Despite my cumbersome class schedule, iI I took a job wroking 35 hours a week shelving books in the library. One day I came across a large red book entitled, The Cases and Materials on Sex-Based Discrimination. I found the subject matter captivating and this helped me see their relationship between my studies in Political Science and the cases I hoped to argue in marbled courtrooms. This discovery renewed my sense of purpose; it made me take my studies more seriously, to set higher goals for myself.
I maintain that I am idealistic and I know I cannot prevent injustice in every corner of the world, but I have committed myself to upholding the laws and values that most Americans hold most dear: the hope for the humane treatment of all people and the need for an equitable implementation of the Constitution motivate me to pursue a legal career. I’m eager to learn and I’m ready to grow. I hope to learn my craft so I can lessen the unnecessary suffering so many people endure when they cannot access the protection of the law.. I'm particularly excited about the opportunity to collaborate with like-minded students as part of the Gender Violence Clinic, Criminal Prosecution Clinic, and Harvard Negotiation and Mediation Clinic. I am most excited about furthering my education. The opportunity to further my education at Harvard Law School would be among the few things I consider an Honor.
Last edited by MS.LEGALBRIEFS on Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Jay-Electronica
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby Jay-Electronica » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:36 pm

I would take out any negative affirmations and replace them with positive one's. Instead of I am not prepared.....because...., say I am prepared because...

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BigFatPanda
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby BigFatPanda » Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:11 pm

First, I applaud you for applying to Harvard and please do update on your progress throughout the instant admissions cycle.

Second, with all due respect, your overall PS reads like a huge fragmented paragraph; that is, you don't appear to have a point of fulcrum to convey and articulate your main position and you are oscillating between defending yourself against some sort of outside perception ("I am not unprepared", "I am not going to become a mere statistic") and trying to set forth your unique life experience. While the topics has great potentials, however, they are disjointed.

My recommendation for you:

1. For personal statement, why don't you just focus on your unique life experience and building it around a fulcrum: for example, the conditions that inspired you to engineer (Did you build it from scrap by yourself? If not, its always a bad idea to inflate your credentials) the after school program, how you went about engineering the program, what life lessons you were able to deduce from it, and how these life lessons inspired you to pursue a legal career. For conclusion, it would be better for you to make an assertion along the line of "From this experience, i am committed to become a more perfect person.....transcend my inner limitation.....by pursuing a legal education".

2. write a diversity statement stating the socio-economic background of your life, how poverty / crime influenced you while you were growing up, and the adversity you overcame to go to college and study for the lsat given your disadvantage.

3. write a GPA / LSAT addendum: I strongly believe that defensive statements such as "I am not naive", "I am not going to become a mere statistic", "I am not unprepared" made you sound really really weak, defensively weak. Take the offensive, for example "Undeterred by the socioeconomic limitations, i am determined to succeed. While simultaneously working 40 hours a week, i managed to devote xx hours on top of it to my academic studies....." and "Despite the fact that i couldn't afford to take a LSAT course, i steadfastly believe in my ability to transcend any difficulties LSAT could impose upon me......".

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies" --- Andy Dufresne
Good luck.

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BigFatPanda
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby BigFatPanda » Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:20 pm

One more thing, if you want to apply to Harvard, it would be better to apply next cycle, on 10/01/2010. (If you choose to do so, retaking the LSAT would be great).

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby TheJudge » Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:28 pm

If you want a brutally honest opinion:This is a very badly written PS and I honestly cringed several times. It reads like a collection of bold and nice sounding statements that lack any coherence however. There is no story here. If I were you, I would throw this thing in the trash, and start from scratch. Start developing the sexual violence theme for instance, or focus on your upbringing. Even if that takes you another week or more, it will be worth it, because if you decide to go with this, I honestly think Harvard would have to admit you despite your personal statement.

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:38 pm

i dont think its trash or poorly written. you may just not like it.. but poorly written.. uh uh

i agree i should probably apply for next cycle, which i think i will do since monday is the deadline and i would want to get my lsat score up

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DavidYurman85
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby DavidYurman85 » Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:57 am

Perhaps not "poorly" written, however, it is not Hbomb quality. You have a lot of elementary sentences and it doesn't really say much. Lots of superfluous statments. It often reads like a stream of consciousness instead of a personal statement.

Also:
-scratch "utopia".
-you will be hard pressed to convince an admissions committee (esp one of hys caliber) that your courses in political science and international relatios prepared you for law school-a very common misconception.
-work on the flow: you tend to jump from one thought to another without any transition. especially in the paragraph about your ug studies. you go from your major, to arabic, to your job in the library, and then to this great book, and somehow-though unconvincingly-these experiences make you want to set "higher goals" for yourself.
-confused how discovering the "big red book" renewed your sense of purpose.
-more than once you mentioned "setting higher goals", yet you never discuss them.
-statements like: "defended, fought, and prosecuted" you can just say defended.
-how are you "aware of the frustrating realities of legal procedures" ? because of the nintey hours? which are not enough to mention.
-you talk about how "being reared in a single parent household has given you another perspective", but you don't follow through with the perspective.
-the third paragraph about your background is redundant. you emphasized it enough in parapgraph two.
-you could use a stronger conclusion. "learn my craft" sounds odd.
-please, please check your grammar.

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby EzraStiles » Sat Jan 30, 2010 2:15 am

MS.LEGALBRIEFS wrote:My dream of becoming an attorney was inspired by the achievements of Thurgood Marshall and the other men and women, who defended, prosecuted, fought, and won for those who were unable to speak for themselves. Although I am aware of the sometimes frustrating realities of legal procedure, I am not deterred. I have already spent ninety hours as an intern in the office of Louisiana State Representative ____________ Jr, where I learned about the routines involved in handling criminal and civil cases.
I am not naive, and I am determined. Some of the lawyers I worked for came from backgrounds similar to my own. They too were once required to tuck their egos beneath a hat that bore a McDonald’s logo. They overcome adversity and socio-economic disadvantages, and I will follow their example. Although I come from an impoverished background, I am determined to make my socio-economic disadvantages into stepping stones rather than social barriers. The experience of growing up in a neighborhood plagued by drug-pushing, drug addiction and prostitution has made me resolve to set higher goals for myself. Being reared in a single parent household has given me another perspective that reinforces my determination to make a difference.
I am not going to become a mere statistic. Growing up in poverty has taught me the skills of survival and instilled a commitment to progress. Becoming the first college graduate in my family has encouraged me to work for further success. I am determined to escape the conditions of crime and to defy notions of a life pre-determined by my ancestry.
I am not unprepared. My studies in political science and international affairs have helped me understand the political context of legal decisions. I spent my junior and senior years becoming proficient in colloquial Arabic. (Dr. Himaya, a professor of physics at _____________State University, can attest to my competence.) Of course, after several months of being busy learning Arabic script, I needed some spending money and longed to read more in English. I took a job shelving books in the library. One day I came across a large red book entitled, The Cases and Materials on Sex-Based Discrimination. I found the subject matter captivating and this helped me see their relationship between my studies in Political Science and the cases I hoped to argue in marbled courtrooms. This discovery renewed my sense of purpose; it made me to take my studies more seriously, to set higher goals for myself.
I am not utopian, and I know I cannot prevent injustice in every corner of the world, but I have committed myself to upholding the laws and values that most Americans hold most dear: the hope for the humane treatment of all people and the need for an equitable implementation of the Constitution motivate me to pursue a legal career. I’m eager to learn and I’m ready to grow. I hope to learn my craft so I can lessen the unnecessary suffering so many people endure when they cannot access the protection of the law.


Also a series of points:
I do like the recurring "I am not..." introduction to each paragraph. However, Paragraphs 2 and 3 each provide background information, so if you're going to distinguish between ideas with the aforementioned motif than I recommend you actually have different points of interest in each. Your biography spills from P2 to P3, which makes it look like either P2 was underdeveloped or P3 was unnecessary. Either way, you don't provide justification for separating the two. Also, you mention a number of specific influencing factors, like the book in the library and Thurgood Marshall, without getting into the specifics of either. Those are the types of things people write entire statements about, so if you're going to introduce them than you should be prepared to elaborate. Which leads me to another point- be more specific. I see you've had an arduous journey and you feel a need to show the difficulty of your path, but in doing this so exhaustively you really never make a point. There is no point where I get afeeling you're sure about going to law school. I recommend picking one hugely influencing factor from your life and elaborating in-depth. But that's obviously up to your own discretion.

I really cannot get into all the grammatical errors or awkward phrasing of your statement, but especially egregious to me right now are "most Americans hold most dear"-if you are going to use the same qualifier twice in 4 words than somethings gone horribly wrong. Also, Utopian is the wrong word, maybe 'naive idealist' or something is more fitting. Hope this helps.
Last edited by EzraStiles on Sat Jan 30, 2010 2:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PDaddy
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby PDaddy » Sat Jan 30, 2010 2:20 am

hiromoto45 wrote:I wouldn't submit this tonight...you have a lot of work to do on this...have you applied with this PS to other law schools? If so have you been admitted yet?

Critique: You put about 4 life experiences into 1 statement, and they do not follow together. You do not explain what you did or how it has affected you. Its just a list of experiences linked by a line, "I will/I am/I learned" and you leave it as that. You would be better off doing a PS and DS from what you have here. You bury that you are the first to grad. from your family...that is the only real highlight i see in this PS.


Agreed! You need to "show" instead of "tell". Frame the ideas you want to convey with stories about things you've actually done. Go deep! Give specific examples and draw subtle, almost undetectable, parallels to law.

I advise you to take one theme and employ it throughout the essay. Take your experiences and show how they speak to that theme. If they don't speak to that theme, do not use them or tag them on at the end as "tidbits" of trivia. You are marketing yourself, here. What are you? Who are you? Are you the overacheiver? The rebel? The multitasker? The analyst? The do-gooder? The caretaker? The underacheiver who recently hit his stride thanks to some game-changing experience?

If you're really good, you won't have to tell the adcoms what you are or aren't, they will know by your narrative. That's the goal.

I also think you're trying to do too much. Take a story about your life and keep it narrowly focussed on one or two particular traits you want to demonstrate to the adcoms. Use metaphors and avoid cliches.

An exceptional essay has these four things: Ethos (appeals to credibility and leadership), Pathos (emotional appeals, but not whiny), Mythos (symbols, motifs, metaphors, etc), and Logos (the use of logic).

A great one uses three of the four, a good one employs two, and an average essay uses just one. Sadly, most personal statements use just one of those four elements, and not very well.

And your story should show how you've developed your "voice", the one that you hope to use as a lawyer. They don't want to hear promises about what you will be, they want to know where you have been and what experiences have shaped you. That's why you must tell a story!

Unless you're 3.8/165+ with a great resume and LOR's, you're probably looking at rejection.
Last edited by PDaddy on Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:34 am, edited 3 times in total.

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SOCRATiC
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby SOCRATiC » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:18 am

Let me preface by saying that you've accomplished a lot relative to where you came from. I personally experienced the financial hardships of free-lunch at public schools, hand-me-downs from teenagers in the neighborhood, and forty-hours/week jobs all throughout undergrad. I can say that life can be unfair at times, and you've demonstrated through your personal statement that you're not as naive when it comes to some of the difficult things that life has to offer.

But you've definitely demonstrated your intellectual naivety through your personal statement. There are numerous factors that led me to emphasize this point.... let me be a little critical of some of the things that you've done:

1. Your personal statement, especially your first paragraph, reads like a cover-letter that's supposed to explain things on your resume. That's a terrible mistake for a personal statement.
2. With my "adcomm-goggles" on, here's what I see: "here comes another pathetic attempt made by some individual trying to capitalize on his/her costs of growing up in a financially disadvantage community" or "here comes another person trying to take advantage of the privilege of coming from an under-privileged environment throughout our admissions process." The reason why I say this is because you're simply trying to show how much you've accomplished while your life relatively sucked financially. Note: I would like to emphasize that coming from an under-privileged environment can be a privilege at times; I personally wish that I was even worse-off than how I actually was simply because I'd be able to turn that around and take advantage of it just like others do.
3. Your overall writing ability is indicative of poor communication skills. You've failed to write a persuasive personal statement insofar as it does not connect your personal experiences as to why you qualify for a seat in one of the most prestigious universities in the world. Despite the fact that you're an under represented minority, admission committee members will be utterly reluctant to admit someone that is unable to demonstrate the level of intellect that isn't even remotely close to the level demonstrated among regular applicants.

This is just a handful of things that I have in mind. Good luck, and try to prepare for other T-30 schools.

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SOCRATiC
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby SOCRATiC » Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:41 am

MS.LEGALBRIEFS wrote:i dont think its trash or poorly written. you may just not like it.. but poorly written.. uh uh

i agree i should probably apply for next cycle, which i think i will do since monday is the deadline and i would want to get my lsat score up


This underscores the importance of being well-educated. A well-educated person would tell you that it's poorly written. Also, consult the personal statement samples available on this website.

Your reluctance to accept advise from those who are well-informed of the admissions process is indicative of your ignorance. I understand that your partial intentions to post this on these forums is to receive some "wow" comments from others, which would make it even more difficult for you to accept the contrary. FYI - I've purposely used the term "ignorance" because you ignore the advise of others. Place this personal statement of yours again and again, and I guarantee that you'll receive similar responses. Maybe you'll start to think that something is wrong with your personal statement once you hear enough people tell you about its quality.

I'm starting to think that this personal statement is a clear reflection of your GPA and LSAT score. I hope that this leads you to the inevitable realization that your ignorance is a reflection of your intellectual naivety.

Also: Still, good luck on securing admissions to a T1 school.

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amcooper
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby amcooper » Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:08 am

sorry, but it's a huge personal pet peeve when people spell "tonight" as "tonite."

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby EdmundBurke23 » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:06 am

MS.LEGALBRIEFS wrote:i would have to disagree about the word usage.. "I am not utopian" is my way of saying that i am not entirely idealistic and i believe my ps achieves this notion.


and

MS.LEGALBRIEFS wrote:i dont think its trash or poorly written. you may just not like it.. but poorly written.. uh uh

i agree i should probably apply for next cycle, which i think i will do since monday is the deadline and i would want to get my lsat score up


WAteva! wAteva! I dO wat I want!!

haha.

Socratic's correct.

EDIT: Additional Comment:The reason why the word "Utopian" seems find to you is because you haven't been exposed to enough literature to have developed a firm grasp on what words or phrases sound awkward or misplaced. In a literary perspective, it's important to fit these awkward words into context by explaining that it actually encapsulates the nuances of what you're trying to express. But you'd waste a lot of space on your PS in so doing. Change "utopian."

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:22 am

i dont have a problem changing the word utopian, i have already changed it.
i dont believe that numbers indicate a person overall intelligence especially when there are so many factors that could cause an intelligent person to not live up to their greatest ability due to hardships, ,et..
i take criticism very well and i appreciate all the comments and used the advance in the revision of my statements. I am not intellectually naive by the way, i decided to late in the cycle to apply to Harvard and i feel completely guilty for that so thats why my statement reads the way it does. This statementment isn't the good but when you write things, you sometimes need other people the catch the mistakes.. to me it reads fine, but after the comments and a thorough re-read, i agree with some of you guys. but under the time restraints in which it was written i would have to agree that it isnt as good as it could be. i have been applying to law school and med school simultaneously and I am exhausted! I really appreciate the opinions however, because my professors and friends all gave me some biased opinion about its submittal quality and they were apparently mistaken and so was I!

My gpa sucks because of working throughout college and my lsat sucks because of other issues, like a cold and noisy test center.

I posted my statement on this site not to recieve "WOW" comments, but to recieve the negative and positive feedback that you guys have given me. I have decided to apply for the next cycle,but so far, i feel confident about my acceptance to some very great institutions such as Penn State, Georgia State, SULC, and my medical school prospects arent' as bad either considering the fact that among other acceptance letters, theres John Hopkins, where my older sister attends!

Nevertheless, i appreciate the comments from you guys! :)

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Cavalier
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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby Cavalier » Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:44 am

You're not getting into Harvard.

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Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby APimpNamedSlickback » Sat Jan 30, 2010 10:57 am

1. please, please, please stop using capital letters for everything.

2. i have to agree with the consensus here, unfortunately, with respect to your gunning for harvard. i know what its like to experience hard times, so when i tell you to save the $100 you're about to drop on Harvard, its because i'm certain it can be put to better use. we are talking about two full tanks of gas here that you're about to waste.

3. consider submitting this essay to your college's writing center, or even just having a favorite english professor that you might have look it over. it seems like you've got alot to say, but this essay isn't going to do you any favors.

i'll pm you more detailed feedback, but yeah those are my initial thoughts.

AffirmativeOffense
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:25 pm

Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby AffirmativeOffense » Sat Jan 30, 2010 11:22 am

If I were on Harvard's adcomm, that personal statement would insult my intelligence. Why bother applying to Harvard if you plan on submitting this garbage? It makes it look like you put no effort into it; and that's not the impression you need to give them when you already have a snowball's chance in hell of getting admitted with a 160/2.8.

APimpNamedSlickback
Posts: 1126
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:33 am

Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby APimpNamedSlickback » Sat Jan 30, 2010 11:26 am

AffirmativeOffense wrote:If I were on Harvard's adcomm, that personal statement would insult my intelligence. Why bother applying to Harvard if you plan on submitting this garbage? It makes it look like you put no effort into it; and that's not the impression you need to give them when you already have a snowball's chance in hell of getting admitted with a 160/2.8.


no need to be mean or otherwise beat a dead horse. when someone puts themselves out there like this, you should at least be conscious of what you post in response.

AffirmativeOffense
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:25 pm

Re: URM.. HARVARD PERSONAL STATEMENT..SUBMIT TONITE!!!!!

Postby AffirmativeOffense » Sat Jan 30, 2010 11:29 am

talibkweli wrote:
AffirmativeOffense wrote:If I were on Harvard's adcomm, that personal statement would insult my intelligence. Why bother applying to Harvard if you plan on submitting this garbage? It makes it look like you put no effort into it; and that's not the impression you need to give them when you already have a snowball's chance in hell of getting admitted with a 160/2.8.


no need to be mean or otherwise beat a dead horse. when someone puts themselves out there like this, you should at least be conscious of what you post in response.


No offense, but when someone doesn't even check their personal statement for grammatical errors when asking it to be proofread for an application to Harvard, don't expect anyone to take it seriously.




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