Personal statement: Critique and i will pay you $1

(BLS, URM status, non-traditional, GLBT)
MS.LEGALBRIEFS
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2009 1:50 pm

Personal statement: Critique and i will pay you $1

Postby MS.LEGALBRIEFS » Thu Jan 28, 2010 11:31 pm

My dreams of becoming an attorney were founded in Thurgood Marshall. The cases who argued before the Supreme Court were the very cases that affect my life today. The importance, the reality and the pressure were all reasons that motivated me to want to become an attorney. Now, dreams of becoming an attorney are pure realities of inner office business, occasional trips to the copier with boxes of manila folders.
I am not deterred. I have spent ninety hours as an intern in the office of Louisiana State Representative and Attorney ___________________ Jr, where I learned the callous actuality of criminal and civil cases. The people I most admired were the ones who defended, prosecuted, fought, and won for those who were unable to speak for themselves.
I am not idealistic. Some lawyers I have worked for come from backgrounds similar to my own. They too were once required to tuck their egos beneath a hat that bore a McDonald’s logo. I look to them like the predictors of my future as most of those noted in history texts, became great because of adversity and socio-economic disadvantages. I, too was a child from an impoverished background; however, I find my socio-economic disadvantages to be stepping stones rather than social barriers. I have come to find, that growing up in the midst of drug use and drug addiction, prostitution and being reared in a single parent household gave me a perspective that I am now able to mesh with ambition and achievable results.
I am not a statistic. Growing up in poverty has taught me the skills of survival and commitment to progress. I am the first in my family to attend college and graduate. Becoming the first college graduate in my family has triggered within me a thirst for further success. I escaped the conditions of crime and notions of a life pre-determined by my ancestry.
I am not unprepared. My studies in Political Science Pre-Law have been ones that explain why things happen. During my undergraduate years at____________ :mrgreen: State University, I spent my junior and senior years becoming cultured in colloquial Arabic. After several months of being inundated with the Arabic script, I longed for reading in English. My student worker position in the library helped to fulfill my break from reading the dotted alphabets to scrolling shelves filled with English titled books and journals. Out jutted a hard red book entitled The Cases and Materials on Sex-Based Discrimination. After using the sentences to refresh my eyes, I found that the subject matter was captivating and this single book reconciled my studies in Political Science with cases I hoped to argue in the marbled courtrooms. It gave my life direction and caused me to take my studies more seriously and set higher goals for myself.
I am not impractical. I understand that by design, the “saving the world” theory is less viable. I cannot prevent injustice in every corner of the world single-handedly, however, I will commit myself to upholding the laws and values that Americans hold most dear, starting with myself. The appreciation of justice, humane treatment of all people and an unyielding implementation of the Constitution are values that have pushed me toward pursuing a legal career. With poise, perspective and commitment, I will strive to lessen the burdens I suffered in poverty to better the life of the next generation.
I am ready to grow. Harvard Law School (HLS) conforms to what I look for in a law school. The diverse student body, the reputation for excellence, the student to teacher ratio and the bar passage rates are all factor related to reasons why I feel HLS and I are a great match Because of my race I have been required to develop a tough skin to protect myself against a racist climate. I have overcome a preconceived fate and rebelled against notions of becoming a statistic. My life has been one in which I have had to overcome adversities, and because of that, I look for a place that will allow me to continue to progress. That place is undeniably HLS!

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JAP1985
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2009 1:51 pm

Re: Personal statement: Critique or ELSE!!!!

Postby JAP1985 » Fri Jan 29, 2010 12:41 am

Hmm....I like the way that you've attempted to tackle several different aspects of your background, but you need to work on making it a little bit more concise. Tips below and good luck!

-The second sentence in the first paragraph, "The cases who" should be the cases he. It could also use better clarity.
-Some of your statements sound a tadbit superfluous: "out jutted the hard red book", "marble court rooms", "after using the sentence to refresh my eyes", those are the few that really stuck out.
-Everyone is a "statistic" of some sort. Don't assume that your reader knows what you mean.
-The "I am not unprepared"-I would probably change that to I am prepared, or to keep with your "I am not..." theme I would find a better way to say it, no double negatives! This parapgraph also needs some work or a better transition between your course studies and being prepared to study the law. I'd even consider ditching the aspect about your pre-law curriculum and how it's "prepared" you. Instead focusing on highlighting your academic achievements (grades/research/involvement)/challenges/or intellectual characteristics that are presumably important for studying the law. UG courses and LS are very different-especially when you're talking about a pre-law curriculum.
-This is unclear: "I look to them like the predictors of my future as most of those noted in history texts, became great because of adversity and socio-economic disadvantages."
-HLS "conforms"? Another word
- Very long run-on: "the diverse student body, the reputation for excellence, the student to teacher ratio and the bar passage rates are all factor related to reasons why I feel HLS and I are a great match Because of my race I have been required to develop a tough skin to protect myself against a racist climate." (this phrase seems misplaced as does some of the following sentences about racism.)
- Make sure you do a final grammar check, verb/subject agreement.




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