Ken's Cancer Survival Blog
Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 1:07 am
This site is for you and your success in the law school application process and law school thereafter. Thus, please forgive that this blog is totally unrelated to that purpose. However, because I feel very close to the readers of this site and I think it will benefit my healing to write about overcoming cancer, this blog is dedicated to me beating the cancer I was just diagnosed with. Because I handle tragedy in a unique way (viewing it as a springboard to evolution, an essential part of life's rich pageant), I hope you will find inspiration in my recovery. I know I find inspiration in the thought that others may grow from what I need to overcome and learn from.
Life can change instantly. We all know this, but few fail to truly heed the lesson. The key is to live a life so great, that one does not fear death. Do not get caught in routines. Instead, try to live so that every interaction with another, every moment alone, has the potential for greatness. I know this because I have already been forced overcome two tragedies in my life (a near fatal accident of being hit by a speeding car while walking on the sidewalk and the loss of my sister). As I blog about below, I am again faced with a severe challenge that will require all of my mental and physical abilities to overcome, but I know I am up to this task. While I have quickly gained a strong mindset for surviving this cancer, overcoming these other two tragedies has armed me against facing tragedy and the right mindset that is required.
My goal is to not only beat the cancer, but to make my surviving cancer a net gain, that is whatever I lose in this battle I will more than make up in greater wisdom and happiness for myself and as importantly, for others in conveying whatever future lessons I will learn.
This saga started three months ago when I began to feel some pain in my lower back. This seemed innocuous enough, for as a father of two young children I am constantly bending over and picking up my daughters. Also, being tall and now 34 years-old seemed to make me more susceptible to this common ailment. Still, I decided to tackle it head on and quickly went to physical therapy and began a regimen of exercises.
As the months went by, the pain did not get much worse but at least the exercises seemed to prevent the pain from getting worse. However, last week for no apparent reason, there was a huge increase in my pain, where pain in my back shot through my body with a rhythmic intensity that made it impossible to focus on anything but the chronic pain.
Also, last week I had three buttons pop off my pants as my stomach was expanding. I must really be adding weight, another reason I decided to take action and see a doctor.
On last Monday I saw the doctor who took X-rays of my back. He said that while my back was very tight to the touch, the X-rays showed it to be in good shape and that my back problem was likely minor. However, to play it safe a MRI was scheduled for the next day. I went home a happy man that night, thankful that my problem seemed quickly and easily curable.
On Tuesday morning, I was the first to arrive at the MRI center at 8:00 am. After being in the center of the MRI machine as loud bangs went off all around me (it sounded like a terrible orchestra), I left the center and was told that my doctor would get my file later that day but would likely call me in a few days.
When just two hours later my doctor called, I became a bit concerned. “Ken, we do not believe you have any problems with your back. Instead, it appears that your kidney is enlarged and this inflammation is causing your back pain.” Thinking of my uncle who had kidney stones, I said, “Do you think this could be caused by kidney stones?” “Perhaps,” he replied, “however, there are several other worse alternatives that we need to explore as well. Please drop everything you are doing and do some blood work at noon and take a CAT scan at 3:00 pm and we have an appointment with an internal medicine doctor at 5:00 pm.”
With the blood draining from my face, I called several clients and cancelled appointments for that day and did Internet research on kidney stones right after my blood test. While painful, kidney seemed a battle that could easily be won.
At 3:00 pm, I entered the Radiology lab ready to learn what my fate held. I was laid down in the middle of a large machine that went back and forth over my body, with radiation coursing through my body, thereby allowing the doctors to see the internal workings (and dysfunctions) of my body. Still in good spirits, I bantered back and forth with the technician and appreciated her joking on how much of my body was exposed with the short tie-ins not made for tall people.
I had an hour before my next doctor’s appointment, so I asked if the radiologist could give me the diagnosis now while I was waiting. After a few anxious minutes in the waiting room, a young looking doctor with blond hair opened the door, smiled and said, “Hi, please come back with me.”
Walking into her office we both sat down and when she turned to me her smile left and a seriousness covered her face and chilled my body. “I do not know how to say this to you. We are both the same age and you should not have this, but unfortunately the CAT scan uncovered a very large tumor that is growing in your pelvis region.” She then showed me this mass that was the size of a softball.
Both amazed and scared, I held back tears as I uttered, “Is this cancer?”
She replied, “It is too early to tell, but that is the most likely outcome.” At this tears started coming down my eyes, and she squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry, I must be being too blunt.”
“No, please tell me everything.”
From there she showed me many diagrams showing the tumor and its pushing against my kidney, causing the inflammation, and pelvis bone. The greatest news I received is that the tumor had not spread to other parts of my body. While I was devastated, I still recognized that this was excellent news. I tried to hold it together as I learned more about the size and severity of my tumor.
Not accepting the doctor’s offer to drive me to my next appointment, I took her farewell hug with solace for I desperately needed comfort. Through bleary eyes, I saw the technician and receptionist that I had been joking with earlier look at me sadly, clearly knowing the diagnosis as well.
Once outside of the office, I entered an empty bathroom in the hallway and began openly crying. What about my eighteen-month old daughter who always clung to me and wanted Daddy? If I died she would never have enough memories to know who I was. I thought of my lively three-year old daughter, perhaps she had enough time with me to remember me if I did not survive. And my poor wife, pregnant with our third child, how could she raise three children on her own? As the tears cascaded down no answers came forward.
Looking into the mirror, the tears stopped as my solution materialized. I had already been through two life-altering tragedies and had overcome them through learning lessons from these horrific events. Although painful to experience, these events are what fast-forwarded my development. By focusing upon evolution and long-term growth that I learned from these tragedies, I was able to better able to accept these events with the resulting wisdom being my solace. Through surviving this cancer, I would become a wiser person, more compassionate father, and better friend. In the future, I would have more to offer others and myself by beating this cancer. I used the two tragedies in my past as springboards to evolution and while I wish I never had this cancer, I realized I too would grow from it as well.
I also knew that I had to be strong for my family. As a father of soon to be three children and the sole wage earner, the security of my family rested solely in my attitude and how successful and quickly I could overcome this disease.
By focusing on a better future, it allowed to handle the severe sorrow I felt right then. With this realization I hugged myself and said to the mirror, “Ken, you are too strong for this cancer to beat you.” While the cancer inside my body was incontrollable, I tinge of self-confidence returned as I could control my reaction to this cancer.
I looked at my watch and it was 4:45! In only 45 minutes my life perspective had been changed. But thankfully, in the last few minutes I felt that I controlled my life again and would both defeat and learn from a life event that no one would ever have predicted. No longer crying and breathing normally, I got in to my car and headed to Stanford hospital for my next appointment.
At my appointment, the doctor was also surprised that I would have such a large tumor at 34, while in great health, a non-smoker, and with no history of cancer. Further evaluation and blood tests showed that it was likely a sarcoma, a very aggressive cancer of the muscles, or lymphoma, a cancer in the lymphatic system. Future tests for tomorrow are scheduled where I will have a portion of the tumor removed and a biopsy will tell me what I am up against.
I told Megan, my wife, the news of the cancer. We promised each other to be strong for ourselves, but more importantly for the girls. I am already joking with my daughter that Daddy will look cute with a shaved head and that she will help Daddy with the first hair cut. While this is something I never expected, I am doing better than even I would have thought. Still a bit surreal, I do have moments of doubt and fear, but generally of confidence and love of self.
I am ready for this battle and whatever results may come. I have philosophically prepared myself for this battle by the life I have lived. By making evolution the focal point of my life, I can accept tragedies instead of wasting time by fruitlessly asking “Why me?” The reality is that I do have cancer at the age of 34. While this is bad luck, I have the power to make it a good outcome as I have before in the past.
One small positive of my having cancer, I do not have the chronic back pain I thought I had (bad attempt at humor).
I will blog more as I learn more from upcoming test results. Thanks for your interest in the journey that cancer recovery will take me on. I can handle pain if I know that in the end I will learn from it and what immortalizes those lessons is for others to then learn as well. Knowing that I am not in this alone but have the support of my family, friends and TLS readers is comforting.
Life can change instantly. We all know this, but few fail to truly heed the lesson. The key is to live a life so great, that one does not fear death. Do not get caught in routines. Instead, try to live so that every interaction with another, every moment alone, has the potential for greatness. I know this because I have already been forced overcome two tragedies in my life (a near fatal accident of being hit by a speeding car while walking on the sidewalk and the loss of my sister). As I blog about below, I am again faced with a severe challenge that will require all of my mental and physical abilities to overcome, but I know I am up to this task. While I have quickly gained a strong mindset for surviving this cancer, overcoming these other two tragedies has armed me against facing tragedy and the right mindset that is required.
My goal is to not only beat the cancer, but to make my surviving cancer a net gain, that is whatever I lose in this battle I will more than make up in greater wisdom and happiness for myself and as importantly, for others in conveying whatever future lessons I will learn.
This saga started three months ago when I began to feel some pain in my lower back. This seemed innocuous enough, for as a father of two young children I am constantly bending over and picking up my daughters. Also, being tall and now 34 years-old seemed to make me more susceptible to this common ailment. Still, I decided to tackle it head on and quickly went to physical therapy and began a regimen of exercises.
As the months went by, the pain did not get much worse but at least the exercises seemed to prevent the pain from getting worse. However, last week for no apparent reason, there was a huge increase in my pain, where pain in my back shot through my body with a rhythmic intensity that made it impossible to focus on anything but the chronic pain.
Also, last week I had three buttons pop off my pants as my stomach was expanding. I must really be adding weight, another reason I decided to take action and see a doctor.
On last Monday I saw the doctor who took X-rays of my back. He said that while my back was very tight to the touch, the X-rays showed it to be in good shape and that my back problem was likely minor. However, to play it safe a MRI was scheduled for the next day. I went home a happy man that night, thankful that my problem seemed quickly and easily curable.
On Tuesday morning, I was the first to arrive at the MRI center at 8:00 am. After being in the center of the MRI machine as loud bangs went off all around me (it sounded like a terrible orchestra), I left the center and was told that my doctor would get my file later that day but would likely call me in a few days.
When just two hours later my doctor called, I became a bit concerned. “Ken, we do not believe you have any problems with your back. Instead, it appears that your kidney is enlarged and this inflammation is causing your back pain.” Thinking of my uncle who had kidney stones, I said, “Do you think this could be caused by kidney stones?” “Perhaps,” he replied, “however, there are several other worse alternatives that we need to explore as well. Please drop everything you are doing and do some blood work at noon and take a CAT scan at 3:00 pm and we have an appointment with an internal medicine doctor at 5:00 pm.”
With the blood draining from my face, I called several clients and cancelled appointments for that day and did Internet research on kidney stones right after my blood test. While painful, kidney seemed a battle that could easily be won.
At 3:00 pm, I entered the Radiology lab ready to learn what my fate held. I was laid down in the middle of a large machine that went back and forth over my body, with radiation coursing through my body, thereby allowing the doctors to see the internal workings (and dysfunctions) of my body. Still in good spirits, I bantered back and forth with the technician and appreciated her joking on how much of my body was exposed with the short tie-ins not made for tall people.
I had an hour before my next doctor’s appointment, so I asked if the radiologist could give me the diagnosis now while I was waiting. After a few anxious minutes in the waiting room, a young looking doctor with blond hair opened the door, smiled and said, “Hi, please come back with me.”
Walking into her office we both sat down and when she turned to me her smile left and a seriousness covered her face and chilled my body. “I do not know how to say this to you. We are both the same age and you should not have this, but unfortunately the CAT scan uncovered a very large tumor that is growing in your pelvis region.” She then showed me this mass that was the size of a softball.
Both amazed and scared, I held back tears as I uttered, “Is this cancer?”
She replied, “It is too early to tell, but that is the most likely outcome.” At this tears started coming down my eyes, and she squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry, I must be being too blunt.”
“No, please tell me everything.”
From there she showed me many diagrams showing the tumor and its pushing against my kidney, causing the inflammation, and pelvis bone. The greatest news I received is that the tumor had not spread to other parts of my body. While I was devastated, I still recognized that this was excellent news. I tried to hold it together as I learned more about the size and severity of my tumor.
Not accepting the doctor’s offer to drive me to my next appointment, I took her farewell hug with solace for I desperately needed comfort. Through bleary eyes, I saw the technician and receptionist that I had been joking with earlier look at me sadly, clearly knowing the diagnosis as well.
Once outside of the office, I entered an empty bathroom in the hallway and began openly crying. What about my eighteen-month old daughter who always clung to me and wanted Daddy? If I died she would never have enough memories to know who I was. I thought of my lively three-year old daughter, perhaps she had enough time with me to remember me if I did not survive. And my poor wife, pregnant with our third child, how could she raise three children on her own? As the tears cascaded down no answers came forward.
Looking into the mirror, the tears stopped as my solution materialized. I had already been through two life-altering tragedies and had overcome them through learning lessons from these horrific events. Although painful to experience, these events are what fast-forwarded my development. By focusing upon evolution and long-term growth that I learned from these tragedies, I was able to better able to accept these events with the resulting wisdom being my solace. Through surviving this cancer, I would become a wiser person, more compassionate father, and better friend. In the future, I would have more to offer others and myself by beating this cancer. I used the two tragedies in my past as springboards to evolution and while I wish I never had this cancer, I realized I too would grow from it as well.
I also knew that I had to be strong for my family. As a father of soon to be three children and the sole wage earner, the security of my family rested solely in my attitude and how successful and quickly I could overcome this disease.
By focusing on a better future, it allowed to handle the severe sorrow I felt right then. With this realization I hugged myself and said to the mirror, “Ken, you are too strong for this cancer to beat you.” While the cancer inside my body was incontrollable, I tinge of self-confidence returned as I could control my reaction to this cancer.
I looked at my watch and it was 4:45! In only 45 minutes my life perspective had been changed. But thankfully, in the last few minutes I felt that I controlled my life again and would both defeat and learn from a life event that no one would ever have predicted. No longer crying and breathing normally, I got in to my car and headed to Stanford hospital for my next appointment.
At my appointment, the doctor was also surprised that I would have such a large tumor at 34, while in great health, a non-smoker, and with no history of cancer. Further evaluation and blood tests showed that it was likely a sarcoma, a very aggressive cancer of the muscles, or lymphoma, a cancer in the lymphatic system. Future tests for tomorrow are scheduled where I will have a portion of the tumor removed and a biopsy will tell me what I am up against.
I told Megan, my wife, the news of the cancer. We promised each other to be strong for ourselves, but more importantly for the girls. I am already joking with my daughter that Daddy will look cute with a shaved head and that she will help Daddy with the first hair cut. While this is something I never expected, I am doing better than even I would have thought. Still a bit surreal, I do have moments of doubt and fear, but generally of confidence and love of self.
I am ready for this battle and whatever results may come. I have philosophically prepared myself for this battle by the life I have lived. By making evolution the focal point of my life, I can accept tragedies instead of wasting time by fruitlessly asking “Why me?” The reality is that I do have cancer at the age of 34. While this is bad luck, I have the power to make it a good outcome as I have before in the past.
One small positive of my having cancer, I do not have the chronic back pain I thought I had (bad attempt at humor).
I will blog more as I learn more from upcoming test results. Thanks for your interest in the journey that cancer recovery will take me on. I can handle pain if I know that in the end I will learn from it and what immortalizes those lessons is for others to then learn as well. Knowing that I am not in this alone but have the support of my family, friends and TLS readers is comforting.