With him gone, I hope to bring the mailbag blog back to prominence where it belongs, and I hope more people submit questions next time!
How has masturbation changed for you ever since your crippling shoulder injury?
It’s like any other desperate animal in the wild. You learn to adapt, like the dog with both front legs missing, which walks around on just his hind legs. My right arm was in excruciating pain for several months. I don’t magical start getting laid just because I couldn’t use my right arm by some nurse (not that I didn’t try using the arm injury to convince girls), so you do the math. For the record, what they say about its benefits to skin is absolutely true. My feet have never been smoother.
Why do I find it so titillating when your mom calls Ted Kennedy?
You like to think of yourself as being connected to Ted Kennedy through a game I like to call “six-degrees of Paris Hilton.” They’re old friends. She assures me that he is not my real father, but she also testified that Teddy wasn’t under the influence that night in Chappaquiddick, that I’m good looking, and that I can be anything I want to be when I grow up, so her reliability has been called in question on more than one occasion.
What traits do you look for in a potential girlfriend? And, as a follow up, would you date me?
The first, and most important, traits for any potential girlfriend of mine are patience and understanding. It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I tend to be moody and reclusive at times (like any prolific TLS poster); I get frustrated; I’m a jerk for no good reason. I need someone to be willing to look past all that long enough to discover my bad breath and horrible table manners.
The restraining order I sent you should answer the follow up question.
Would you ever have sex with your best friend's sister or mother? (or brother or father, so you don't roguishly avoid answering the question). What would you do if your friend angrily confronted you about your videotaping of the lustful deed, which he mistakenly saw after you recorded over his favorite episode of Queer Eye?
Well, I did, briefly (and disastrously), date my best friend’s cousin, who he considers a sister, and my friend and I managed to survive that debacle and are as close as ever. I think it’s safe to assume that, if I ever date again, I would date my best friend’s sister with only minor reservations.
But a more pressing concern is this: Who uses video tapes anymore? Who could video tape over anything? Is it still 1996 in Tennessee? If he found the video anywhere, it would be on the computer, and he shouldn’t have been looking in the folder titled “Work Documents” in the first place. He should been looking through the folder in My Documents titled “Porn,” which contains all my work documents. No best friend of mine would be clever enough to figure out this system and actually find my homemade porn.
If I paid someone $10,000 for a "service" and they failed to complete the "job", do I have any legal recourse to get my money back?
I don’t think this hired killer can be blamed for his failure to kill me. I’m not an easy person to kill. I utilize covert ordinance tactics regularly by never actually leaving the house and having a life outside of TLS. It’s a tactic I like to call the “mole maneuver.” Using this, and other sophisticated survival techniques, makes me very difficult to kill. Over the years, there have been several attempts on my life, and I have survived all of them. You’re going to need kryptonite.
I used to work with this guy who I loved to death. We flirted constantly, and I knew he had a girlfriend, but I assumed the flirting wasn't to be taken seriously. Then the flirting increased, AND I found out the girlfriend was a fiancée. I knew he kind of had a thing for me, and I definitely had a thing for him, but there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then he called me, the night before his birthday, to tell me I should come down to this little pub he was at and drink with him. I assume he's there with people (including his fiancée), so I drag my best friend along with me. Except, he's not there with people. He's there completely alone. No fiancée and no friends. He wasn't expecting me to bring someone with me, that's for sure. Then it got really awkward and we had a beer and he said he was tired and went home.
We've only barely talked about it. And then he texted me last night, I assume his fiancé is on Spring Break. I haven't texted him back.
What does this mean?!?!
It should be pretty obvious that he was going to try to move from “happy birthday to me” to “what did you get me” to Birthday Hook up, one of the oldest maneuvers in the book. He interpreted you bringing a friend as your way of saying that you didn’t want the same thing, or he was just pissed off that he wasn’t going to get to hook up with you. We here at the mailbag don’t judge, but guys like that will always cheat, so you should know that going into it. Guys like that won’t be changed or reformed. Ladies, if he’s cheating with you, he would cheat on you, as a basic rule. Maybe that’s not something you mind, in which case, he is interested in hooking up with you while his fiancée is away. Tread carefully.
Do you believe Stanford would be fools for not admitting you?
When I consider some of the other TLS posters who have applied to Stanford and not been accepted yet, it makes me think that Stanford would be fools to admit me. Stanford adcomms, if you’re reading this, I apologize for telling you that I know where you live. I know that the pictures I drew of your houses on fire and your pets with singed tails was probably enough to get me accepted, but I urge you to reconsider. There are more deserving applicants that need their acceptance phone call first.
The family member of which TLS poster has/is most likely to have been the vulnerable victim of your above described erotic rampage?
Those of you who are regular followers of my posts and chat ramblings know that I’m a big fan of nice hair. Every girl I’ve ever been serious about has had amazing hair, and I thought it made them beautiful. So it should come as no surprise that I would choose Son of Cicero’s sister for my “erotic rampage.” If her hair is half as fabulous as Son of Cicero’s hair, I would be a very happy man.
.What is the best way to get a girl to fall in love with you over the internetz
If I knew a fool proof way, I would be in LA right now and not sitting alone in my room. However, I think I can offer some guidance on where to start. First, in any good relationship, there is a physical attraction between both people. There needs to be for any good relationship to work, so the first thing you need to do is find a good picture of yourself to share with the girl you like, enough to get her interested. I recommend using a Google-image search for this, where you can find something like the one I like to use:
After you have a picture, you need to find an excuse to message them. The approach is very important, so you bide your time and wait for the perfect opportunity to strike. You find a seemingly innocent reason to send them a private message, and you make sure to include questions, so they have to write you back. This first message is very important. A message telling them how pretty they are and how they will be the best looking girl at whatever law school they are attending is going to come off as creepy and weird. You need an excuse to message them initially that doesn’t make you come off like a creepy. If you’re using the picture that I recommend, they should already know that someone of your caliber wouldn’t be trying to pick them up on TLS, so that should put them at ease.
After that it’s just chemistry and appearing clever. Run your jokes by someone who is actually funny to make sure they won't fall horribly flat, and in your posts on TLS, you should subtly post inside jokes that only she would understand and then point them out to her if she misses them (you'll notice I've included quite a few in this blog). This will make her feel like you guys are sharing something really special over the interwebz, something undeniable. After that, just sit back and let your love grow and start looking for cheap flights to Chicago.
What's your preferred method for getting the news?
I prefer not to get the news. None of it really qualifies as “news.” The major headlines today still revolve around the New York governor sleeping with prostitutes. Does it surprise anyone that a politician is sleeping with prostitutes? Is this remotely surprising given the history of politicians in this country? I just can’t get myself to care. Today is my day off from caring, so I have refused to read any articles about it.
Would you ever consider running for office?
Yes. It is my understanding that I would get to have sex with prostitutes. Beggars can’t be choosers.
If you had to have sex with an animal, which one would you choose?
I thought nobody was going to top this question, until…
Name a person you'd rather have sex with when s/he's dead rather than alive.
You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the questions submitted. Any questions I didn’t get to this time around, I’ll try to get to next time. PM me new questions as you think of them! Thanks everyone!!