Would you turn down HYS for SO & CCN Forum

[KillerGerbil]

If you had HYS, and your SO (of four years) got into a school in NYC or Chicago for a PhD, would you turn down HYS to be together? Assume money plays no factor (in my situation it does not). Not that I am going to base a very personal decision on a majority vote, I just want to know if one decision is truly stupid or the other is truly selfish. This is a huge moment in my life. I fear making a decision I regret for the rest of it.

By the way, my SO is great. Love.

Is it possible to survive a long distance relationship through three years of law school? I feel I could easily relocate with a HYS after I graduate, assuming the relationship is still intact at that point.

[LSATSCORES2012]

If you had HYS, and your SO (of four years) got into a school in NYC or Chicago for a PhD, would you turn down HYS to be together? Assume money plays no factor (in my situation it does not). Not that I am going to base a very personal decision on a majority vote, I just want to know if one decision is truly stupid or the other is truly selfish. This is a huge moment in my life. I fear making a decision I regret for the rest of it.

By the way, my SO is great. Love.

Is it possible to survive a long distance relationship through three years of law school? I feel I could easily relocate with a HYS after I graduate, assuming the relationship is still intact at that point.

Personally, I would turn down HYS for CCN + SO. But this is a very personal decision.

Edited: nvm regarding the previous contents of this post, looks like you changed the topic title

[Ramius]

If you had HYS, and your SO (of four years) got into a school in NYC or Chicago for a PhD, would you turn down HYS to be together? Assume money plays no factor (in my situation it does not). Not that I am going to base a very personal decision on a majority vote, I just want to know if one decision is truly stupid or the other is truly selfish. This is a huge moment in my life. I fear making a decision I regret for the rest of it.

By the way, my SO is great. Love.

Is it possible to survive a long distance relationship through three years of law school? I feel I could easily relocate with a HYS after I graduate, assuming the relationship is still intact at that point.

I won't even begin to say that my situation was the same, but I will say that long distance can work for two professional people. I am currently active duty in the military on the East Coast and have deployed nearly 2 of the last 5 years I've been employed while my (now) wife has completed med school on the West Coast. It was a lot of hard times, but as long as you remain committed to each other and always make time for each other when possible, it's not only a fair decision, I believe it to be a smart decision.

[Doorkeeper]

This depends on a number of factors.

1. Do you plan on getting married soon?
2. What are your career goals?
3. Even if money is no option, significant scholarships at CCN could be nice. Do you have any?
4. Which HYS? Yale to NYC is only 90 minutes by train. Harvard to NYC is an hour flight. If it's Stanford, you can kiss the relationship good bye if you choose that over CCN.

This being said, I would not turn down the doors that open by HYS (especially H and Y imo) for a relationship unless I planned to put a ring on it ASAP. I probably still wouldn't turn down Y because of the geographic closeness to NYC.

[KillerGerbil]

This depends on a number of factors.

1. Do you plan on getting married soon?

Yes

2. What are your career goals?

Something HYS would give me a significant boost with.

3. Even if money is no option, significant scholarships at CCN could be nice. Do you have any?

Yes, but as I said, it isn't a factor.

As for travel time, I will say that it is significant such that it isn't something I could do every weekend.

[Doorkeeper]

This depends on a number of factors.

1. Do you plan on getting married soon?

Yes

2. What are your career goals?

Something HYS would give me a significant boost with.

3. Even if money is no option, significant scholarships at CCN could be nice. Do you have any?

Yes, but as I said, it isn't a factor.

As for travel time, I will say that it is significant such that it isn't something I could do every weekend.

There's no need in being discrete about your career goals and which HYS you got into. You don't give up your anonymity in any way by doing so considering H lets in 800 people and Y lets in 250, etc. Plus, the answers become different if you want Article III clerkship and biglaw litigation vs. academia.

I assume from your answer that it's a HY v. CN situation. In that case, I would definitely go Y over CN because 90 minutes is easily done once every week or every other weekend. If it's H v. CN, my previous paragraph kicks in.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I'm married and have done the long-distance thing 3x in the relationship, so I agree with matthewsean that you can make the distance work. Mind you, if it's NY + H/Y, to me that's hardly even long distance (though I'll grant my perspective is skewed by now) - I think you could both work out ways to get tons of work done while apart, and spend time with each other really regularly. NY + S would be a bitch - that's an expensive flight, long travel time, and the time zone difference is a pain in the ass. Chicago is tough for any of HYS, though not quite as bad for H/Y as S, I guess.

Three years, though... I think I'd be willing to go CCN to be in the same town (especially if being in at HYS means you could get money at CCN). Unless you think you, too, want academia (which, oy, dual-academic coupledom is HARD). Personally, I don't know if I could ever bring myself to pass up Y, but then I have an anti-H and an anti-California thing, so passing on them wouldn't bother me as much, but that's totally idiosyncratic.

(And in the interests of full disclosure, none of these schools were options for me when I was applying, so feel free to disregard...)

[KFV]

A lot of people have said that long-distance can work, and they're right; it can. But that doesn't mean it will. I'm not saying you guys won't make it through three years; you very well may. But surely, you realise that you're less likely to if you're doing the long-distance thing. Regardless of what salient points anybody makes here, you've got to make this decision on your own. Is this person the love of your life? Are you willing to gamble being with the love of your life in exchange for a better career?

[Redamon1]

I'm doing the long-distance things right now. I'm in the Bay Area, my SO on the East Coast. It sucks but it can be done.

Here's what we did: I deferred my admission (and $$) for one year so my SO could begin her PhD coursework. I moved to that city with her for the year. I have begun law school and we are now spending one year apart while she finishes her coursework. She is moving here this summer and will finish her PhD from here. Similarly, your SO might also be able to find a funding package that allows her to prepare comps, conduct research and write her dissertation remotely after she completes her coursework. This can be tricky because some schools require PhD students to teach undergrads on campus beyond the first two years of their curriculum.

Overall, I would say this is the kind of dilemma worth making compromises for -- assuming your relationship is serious (marriage or not) -- which it appears to be. 1 year apart sucks but is do-able. Beyond that, it would become difficult for me, but I guess anything's possible.

[KillerGerbil]

I greatly, greatly appreciate all of the thoughtful responses so far.

Some thoughts I have had:

One of the reasons I think I performed so well in undergrad is not because I am ridiculously intelligent, but because I was moderated and comforted by my SO who was always there when I needed to unload my anxieties or just be held. Rather than going out, partying, and constantly thinking about dating, I would eat dinner with my SO and spend quiet evenings together studying. Indeed, as I was having difficulty falling asleep the night before the LSAT, my SO massaged me at 3 AM, telling me everything would be okay, relaxing me and allowing me a decent night of sleep (and a better than good LSAT score). Losing my SO or being apart from my SO during law school would be so destabilizing to me that I very may well perform much worse at school as a result, perhaps completely negating any benefit I get from HYS.

Also, deep down, I know my SO would do this for me. I feel guilty for even contemplating the idea of going off to some school knowing very well the costs to both of us of doing so.

While I am now leaning heavily toward CCN, I will appreciate any more feedback anyone has, whether it supports my current view or contradicts it.

Again, thank you all.

[SemperLegal]

If you had HYS, and your SO (of four years) got into a school in NYC or Chicago for a PhD, would you turn down HYS to be together? Assume money plays no factor (in my situation it does not). Not that I am going to base a very personal decision on a majority vote, I just want to know if one decision is truly stupid or the other is truly selfish. This is a huge moment in my life. I fear making a decision I regret for the rest of it.

By the way, my SO is great. Love.

Is it possible to survive a long distance relationship through three years of law school? I feel I could easily relocate with a HYS after I graduate, assuming the relationship is still intact at that point.

I won't even begin to say that my situation was the same, but I will say that long distance can work for two professional people. I am currently active duty in the military on the East Coast and have deployed nearly 2 of the last 5 years I've been employed while my (now) wife has completed med school on the West Coast. It was a lot of hard times, but as long as you remain committed to each other and always make time for each other when possible, it's not only a fair decision, I believe it to be a smart decision.

Holy shit, you're me

[Tom Joad]

If you lived in different cities and broke up, how confident are you that you could attract a replacement mate comparable in quality to the old one?

[Dr. Dre]

If you lived in different cities and broke up, how confident are you that you could attract a replacement mate comparable in quality to the old one?

this. opportunities come once in a lifetime. mates dont.

[banjo]

Your SO will be working on that PhD for 6+ years and might have to do successive one-year stints in random locations afterwards. If it's a more marketable PhD, he might be able to get a job in industry, but might not have a choice in location. Not sure how this should factor into your decision, but it might be worth thinking that far ahead. Long distance is perhaps unavoidable.

[RhymesLikeDimes]

Is their PHD in something stupid with no practical use that they're only going for because they expect you to pay back their debt for them? If then, I'd go with S and be indifferent when things wilt.

[northwood]

while money isnt an issue for you, do your career goals and difference in these school's likelihood of helping you achieve your goals vary significantly? If they do, then forget this advice. IF they don't- then why not keep as much of your money as you can ( and invest the equilivalent of your scholarship in some sort of fund or investment option) and go to CCN. Again, if the scholarship is negated by the high cost of living, then disregard that advice, but if not, it could be something to think about.

but in all seriousness, while this decision may be difficult- its one great difficult decision to have!

Edit to add: since you say you two are talking marriage ( or at least that serious) then the money you save and invest can help pay for your wedding/ first house/ child college tuition fund

[toothbrush]

Personally I would make it work with the SO. Perhaps even try to get her into programs in similar city or have her branch out a bit. As in you take H but she takes something at some other boston school if not harvard.

Again, personally, I think that long distance is very straining and that LS will be stressful enough on its own. I would like the security and calm that comes with having your SO around as well as the liberty to do your own thing with LS knowing that you can come home to them every night..

Just my 2 cents

[Big Dog]

I'd turn down the SO for HYS, particularly the Y.

[cahwc12]

If you had HYS, and your SO (of four years) got into a school in NYC or Chicago for a PhD, would you turn down HYS to be together? Assume money plays no factor (in my situation it does not). Not that I am going to base a very personal decision on a majority vote, I just want to know if one decision is truly stupid or the other is truly selfish. This is a huge moment in my life. I fear making a decision I regret for the rest of it.

By the way, my SO is great. Love.

Is it possible to survive a long distance relationship through three years of law school? I feel I could easily relocate with a HYS after I graduate, assuming the relationship is still intact at that point.

NYU to Yale Law School is ~90 minutes. One of you could just commute (or you could split the difference and rent in Norwalk or somewhere else in between), or you could just see each other on weekends. Plus, when you end up at HYS (or CCN for that matter), it's not like you won't be able to attract a new mate if something did go wrong. You should always factor in your SO in your decisions, but in this one you shouldn't sacrifice.

By the way, did she not apply to HYS, or did she just not get accepted (yet)? What is her PhD in?

Lastly, if your SO wasn't a consideration, I would take Stanford and never look back.

[gaud]

Depends how hot my SO was.

[JWalker]

Aberzombie: CCP, not CCN.

[JamMasterJ]

maybe S, but HY are close enough (if this is NY, not Chi obviously) that I wouldn't. I mean, it would count for something in the "x school with $$ v. y school with $" debate, but as far as equal cost (with sticker at NYC schools actually being higher after COL), I think the 2-4 hours from NY is worth it. If you're at HY, you'll get 2L SA in NY, and probably something PI 1L, so in your worst case, you're not around her much for 8 months, as you can spend the whole month of winter break in the city as well. Then you could maybe do a visiting student thing at CN during 3LOL, which cuts it down to a grand total of 16 months.

If she's gonna be in Chicago though, it might be worth it.

[Crowing]

I greatly, greatly appreciate all of the thoughtful responses so far.

Some thoughts I have had:

One of the reasons I think I performed so well in undergrad is not because I am ridiculously intelligent, but because I was moderated and comforted by my SO who was always there when I needed to unload my anxieties or just be held. Rather than going out, partying, and constantly thinking about dating, I would eat dinner with my SO and spend quiet evenings together studying. Indeed, as I was having difficulty falling asleep the night before the LSAT, my SO massaged me at 3 AM, telling me everything would be okay, relaxing me and allowing me a decent night of sleep (and a better than good LSAT score). Losing my SO or being apart from my SO during law school would be so destabilizing to me that I very may well perform much worse at school as a result, perhaps completely negating any benefit I get from HYS.

Also, deep down, I know my SO would do this for me. I feel guilty for even contemplating the idea of going off to some school knowing very well the costs to both of us of doing so.

While I am now leaning heavily toward CCN, I will appreciate any more feedback anyone has, whether it supports my current view or contradicts it.

Again, thank you all.

I get you - I've been with my SO for four years and we're pretty much an integral part of each others' sanities now.

Regardless though I think you need to ask yourself how important it is for you personally to go to HYS. If you think ahead to the future and end up without a good outcome out of CCN, are you going to feel upset, like you sacrificed your own opportunities for your SO? Because if you can really honestly say that that wouldn't bother you, then CCN will probably be the better option. But I don't know if most people can; it's really hard to put aside personal aspirations even for someone you love, especially for top law students who are naturally pretty high achievers, and you don't want that to potentially be a cloud hanging over your future relationship.

[RodneyRuxin]

It sounds like you would be more successful if you were with your SO and if you feel guilty about considering HYS, then you're probably going to feel super guilty for actually doing it.

It seems like your mind is already made up on staying with your SO, and you're just looking for everyone to tell you it's the right move.

If you really care about the relationship, it's the right move.
Unless you two have been LD in the past, it's highly stressful for the first few months, and mental stability is very important in LS. Take CCN+money, do well.

[star fox]

Need more info. If you want to be a Law Professor or fancy yourself as a future Supreme Court Justice you need to go to HYS and will have to try and make it work. If you just want BigLaw I don't see a problem with going CCN (which should also get you a scholarship). Obviously a lot matters.. I don't think Yale to NYU would be too bad as that's just a drive away so you two can visit like 2 weekends a month splitting the difference. If it's Harvard and Chicago though that's a different story.

Since you're obviously very serious about your relationship, I would say throwing away a great thing for marginally better employment prospects is being short-sighted (there's more to happiness than professional happiness). However, gotta think about yourself too.. I'll just say it's one thing if you were turning down HYSCCN for some local T50 but going to CCN is still a great option.