relationship stuff

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acrossthelake
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby acrossthelake » Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:13 pm

I'm going to +1 the sentiment that if 1L is going to destroy your relationship then it wasn't that strong to begin with. 1L is tough, yea, but it's mostly tough in the 6 weeks of right before finals and finals each semester. The rest of it you actually have a fair bit of free time. If anything, I think it's great that the relationships that collapse due to 1L being too "stressful" collapse then--it's mostly a preview of worse things to come for ppl going into things like biglaw. It's like ppl whose SOs get mad at them while studying for the LSAT (lololololol)--if you can't handle that, you can't handle the next stage, so whatever.

dresden doll wrote:I think relationships that benefit from the distance are realistically rare. I wouldn't be too quick to think of school B as a winner on all counts.


+1. I guess this only works in the sense that a long-distance SO has lower expectations for you, but this seems a temporary fix.

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thelaststraw05
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby thelaststraw05 » Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:41 pm

ConfidenceMan2 wrote:
fundamentallybroken wrote:I agree.

In fact, lawl school is the probably the only thing in life where having a little distance might actually be good for the relationship.

(I say this as someone who somehow managed to make his marriage actually last all the way through 1L. Not an easy thing to do.)


What? Can you elaborate? As a married dude I cannot comprehend why 1) 1L would be different from having, say, a high-pressured and demanding job (I imagine it's less so than actually being a biglaw associate?) and 2) distance, particularly if you're married, would be an asset.

Genuinely curious to hear your thoughts. And if 1L was really that unique of a strain (not trying to belittle the strain of having huge work commitments, which is obviously nothing to sneeze at), well, maybe you could explain how you made it work. Tyia.


I've both had a high-pressured and demanding job (worked as a political consultant managing 4-5 projects going on at the same time that needed results prior to making GOTV-weekend ad buys... ~80+ hours per week in October) and been a 1L. In a high pressure job you can stay in the office until you're done with the wife and then somewhat leave the work at the office. Obviously this kind of high pressure work follows you everywhere (including on vacation), but then you can roll your eyes and make a couple comments about what an asshole your boss is and then do it. In law school, you set your schedule and you determine how hard you work. I don't know about you, but I would totally come home after class and get a little work done, but then when my wife came home it would be hard to resist cuddling on the couch and watching TV. Further, if you tell her you can't do something that you had suggested you'd be able to do because you have to work, it is your fault. There is no asshole boss to pass the blame off on. No mutual enemy to despise, just you.

As long as you do cute stuff regularly (cute texts, occasional spontaneous gifts, letters, etc.), visit somewhat frequent (2x in 5x in September/October, 3x in November/December), and skype or call everyday you can make it work. Just make sure you are constantly communicating and talking about your feelings. It is important that you keep up the communication. And don't just talk about law school stuff. Talk about her job. Talk about her friends. Talk about your future together. Talk about that vacation you want to take this summer. Just talk.

Also, watch the same movie on netflix at the same time and gchat back and forth. Almost as good as movie night at home. Except not.

FlanSolo
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby FlanSolo » Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:52 pm

thelaststraw05 wrote:I've both had a high-pressured and demanding job (worked as a political consultant managing 4-5 projects going on at the same time that needed results prior to making GOTV-weekend ad buys... ~80+ hours per week in October) and been a 1L. In a high pressure job you can stay in the office until you're done with the wife and then somewhat leave the work at the office. Obviously this kind of high pressure work follows you everywhere (including on vacation), but then you can roll your eyes and make a couple comments about what an asshole your boss is and then do it. In law school, you set your schedule and you determine how hard you work. I don't know about you, but I would totally come home after class and get a little work done, but then when my wife came home it would be hard to resist cuddling on the couch and watching TV. Further, if you tell her you can't do something that you had suggested you'd be able to do because you have to work, it is your fault. There is no asshole boss to pass the blame off on. No mutual enemy to despise, just you.

As long as you do cute stuff regularly (cute texts, occasional spontaneous gifts, letters, etc.), visit somewhat frequent (2x in 5x in September/October, 3x in November/December), and skype or call everyday you can make it work. Just make sure you are constantly communicating and talking about your feelings. It is important that you keep up the communication. And don't just talk about law school stuff. Talk about her job. Talk about her friends. Talk about your future together. Talk about that vacation you want to take this summer. Just talk.

Also, watch the same movie on netflix at the same time and gchat back and forth. Almost as good as movie night at home. Except not.


QFT.

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chem
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby chem » Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:56 pm

Go to school B. Peer school with same employment stats? Its obvious. Anyone who tells you to go to school A and leave your SO behind you will probably find in the FA thread

Ive done long distance with my SO and lived with her as well. Had stressful school times and not stressful stuff. Having a SO there with you and for you, that is not related to what your doing, is such a help. Plus, since you said that s/he is/could be very significant, then you are cheating yourself of what could be one of the best things in your life for nothing

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dresden doll
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby dresden doll » Fri Jun 08, 2012 12:20 am

These tools people reference for keeping long distance relationships alive sound more time consuming than the time I'd spend hanging out with so after a long day at the law school.

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fundamentallybroken
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby fundamentallybroken » Fri Jun 08, 2012 12:37 am

FlanSolo wrote:
ConfidenceMan2 wrote:What? Can you elaborate? As a married dude I cannot comprehend why 1) 1L would be different from having, say, a high-pressured and demanding job (I imagine it's less so than actually being a biglaw associate?) and 2) distance, particularly if you're married, would be an asset.

Genuinely curious to hear your thoughts. And if 1L was really that unique of a strain (not trying to belittle the strain of having huge work commitments, which is obviously nothing to sneeze at), well, maybe you could explain how you made it work. Tyia.


You're not asking me, but since I said basically the same thing, I'll elaborate. Law school is incredibly demanding of your time, even though you theoretically have lots of unscheduled time. Thus, if you're in the same place (maybe you just don't have this temptation) you tend to do more hanging out than you'd feel comfortable with given how much you need to do. This is heightened if law school was an economic decision (and also not a sure bet). Therefore, having some distance allows you to focus on your studies without having to worry about how your selfishness is affecting the relationship.

Also, 1L is different than a stressful job in at least one key respect. Depending on where you're in school, 6-8 exams will likely determine whether you can get not only the job you're looking for, but whether or not you may be mired in debt for years to come. When you have a job, there is a lot more stability. I understand that ITE, nobody is truly safe, but the pressure is different. Also, you have a schedule that is more or less that of a normal person (albeit with longer hours).


This is exactly how I would put it, and what I meant.

I had a nice, high(ish) power, demanding career before going to law school, and the two simply cannot be compared. I could leave my job at the office, and not worry too much (or, really, have a desire to discuss at length) what the next day would be like. With school, not only is there the pressure of exams coming up, all of which collectively determine your career trajectory after law school, but also a constant need to discuss and dissect what you're going through and what you're covering.

Plus, there's a bunker mentality in school; you make really close friends, really quickly, and all of you are sharing a pretty intense experience. There's no real way to explain to your wife (or husband, or SO, or whatever) what you're dealing with, and attempts usually don't go very well. This wasn't just my experience, but a lot of my friends as well. A certain amount of jealousy starts to develop, and that's never a good thing.

To clarify, though: I don't necessarily think distance when you're married is a good idea. If you're married, you're both in it for the long haul (or should be, at least), and need to go through that shit together. It sucks. It's hard on a relationship. Distance in a marriage does not make that easier.

OP has a SO, which (if you're married already, you know) is way different than a spouse. A SO usually doesn't have the mental permanency that a spouse does, and distance is an easier thing to make work. Of course, I didn't have that distance, and didn't have a SO, only had a wife, so what the fuck do I know?!

FlanSolo
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby FlanSolo » Fri Jun 08, 2012 10:04 am

fundamentallybroken wrote:To clarify, though: I don't necessarily think distance when you're married is a good idea. If you're married, you're both in it for the long haul (or should be, at least), and need to go through that shit together. It sucks. It's hard on a relationship. Distance in a marriage does not make that easier.

OP has a SO, which (if you're married already, you know) is way different than a spouse. A SO usually doesn't have the mental permanency that a spouse does, and distance is an easier thing to make work. Of course, I didn't have that distance, and didn't have a SO, only had a wife, so what the fuck do I know?!


I agree totally, and was worried my post was coming off as "pro-distance," which it really was not intended to be. I don't enjoy being away from my SO, but it's probably necessary to make sure we are in as good a position as possible after law school. That's why I recommend the close, but not necessarily same place, approach. I think my SO and I would probably fine at the same school 2L year, but 1L you really have to buckle down and you can't afford to feel guilty about doing that.

I guess what it really comes down to is making these sorts of "tactical" decisions in light of a longer term strategy. My SO and I knew that we were in it for the long haul a long time ago, so it was easier for us to recognize that temporary distance would likely lead to better opportunities for us in the future. I do acknowledge this is somewhat different for already married people, although one of better friends is doing distance with his wife (for now at least).

slrby
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby slrby » Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:33 am

So I'm a 0L looking to start law school in the next few months so I can't speak to the ability to maintain relationships during law school. That being said I can speak with authority on long distance relationships and putting your career aside for a SO since I'm in the military (Active Duty Navy). DO NOT PUT YOUR CAREER ASIDE FOR A GIRL!!! I can't say that strongly enough. I don't know how long you have been together. I don't know how much you "love" each other, but I can tell you with certainty that the second you start putting her above your future it's over. Either you will begin to resent her for holding you back/keeping you from the law school you wanted, or she's going to start thinking she can unilaterally make decisions for the both of you. I will tell you that when I commissioned and left for the Navy I was in "love" blindly so in fact. I would drop everything to see her, and I would send her money when she overspent her budget (she was still in college). It was great until I had to start putting her aside for my training (in your case law school studies) and she realized I wouldn't always devote every free second to her. I foolishly thought proposing would be the fix since she said it would be (you don't think now you'll think that but trust me if you're in "love" you will) and I dropped two months of Ensign pay on a ring. That worked for a couple months until I once again had to focus on my career and training (the Navy doesn't exactly give you a choice) and then she decided life would be easier with someone else.

I don't regret focusing on my career in the slightest because it's better this happend now then on a deployment for instance, but I will warn you if you limit your career and desires and go to a school to be near her you will be killing your relationship. Leaving may also kill it but that will be based entirely on your commitment to each other.

Now that I've been all doom and gloom I really do hope this works out for you!

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kalvano
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby kalvano » Thu Feb 14, 2013 3:19 pm

Pretty sure whatever happened has already happened. Nice necro though.

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magp90
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Re: relationship stuff

Postby magp90 » Fri Feb 15, 2013 12:28 pm

If your preferred school can place you into the market where you and your significant other would live, it could be worth it in the long run. If it shuts you out of a location where you two would realistically want to be, it kind of seems like a prison sentence as far as the relationship goes.




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