Diversity Statement - please help

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YOUNGHOVA616
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:32 am

Diversity Statement - please help

Postby YOUNGHOVA616 » Tue May 17, 2011 3:32 pm

Ok here is a rough draft can i get some honest feedback

this is a rough draft let me know what you guys think


“Diversity has been written into the DNA of American life; any institution that lacks a rainbow array has come to seem diminished, if not diseased.”Joe Klein wrote .In short for sustainability we must make diversity a priority in every given sense. My life has run the total spectrum of different experiences by living in contrasting environments. I was raised in a depressed small town in Illinois by a single mother working three jobs so my sister and I could have what we needed. My father was in no position to help, because he was chasing the corporate ladder that seemed to always be more important to him after my parents separated. Sometimes the three jobs was not enough and I have always used to the delinquent notices hung on the door that I saw as a motivator. Growing up I saw most people around me graduate from high school and try to go get a job. College was not something most did as no one could afford it, but also no one from Belleville, Illinois thought they could become a professional. I believed what my mother told me that I could do anything I wanted to. With hard work I could be different.

Two weeks before my high school graduation I got a call from my father asking me if I wanted to come live with him and attend community college. I jumped at the idea, not just to reconnect with my dad but I understood the importance of college. The neighborhood where, I would now live in changed my life. I did not know gated communities existed. I was exposed to people with wealth for the first time and a Mercedes was not just something I saw in music videos anymore. It showed me that there was so much life beyond the parameters of poverty that I was accustomed to. I often reflect how lucky I am to have lived in two substantially different places. I think about a lot of my friends who were just as smart, just as talented that have never had the opportunities I have had. This is what drives me to keep reaching.

At law school I will bring not only a diverse perspective but a grateful one. During my attendance at law school I will continually be proactive in the betterment of me, as well as your institution. I am a true believer that diversity in problem solving groups is to the advantage of individual talent. In many law classes the lack of diversity is to the detriment of all of us and I know the unusual prospective I bring can help solve that problem.

TheFactor
Posts: 789
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2011 3:12 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please help

Postby TheFactor » Tue May 17, 2011 3:47 pm

How someone could post this in the "Choosing a Law School" I have no idea. Just a thought, but maybe the "Law School Personal Statements" forum would be more appropriate?

EDIT: Must be a flame b/c this statement is very poorly written.

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bk1
Posts: 18402
Joined: Sun Mar 14, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please help

Postby bk1 » Tue May 17, 2011 3:51 pm

1. Starting with a quote is generally a bad idea.

2. This doesn't sound very personal. You describe your situation matter-of-factly without really delving into how it affects you.

3. You have a lot of cliches, get rid of them. (e.g. I could do anything I wanted to, reconnect with dad, importance of college, true believer, etc etc)

I would probably scrap it and start over, making sure that your next draft is more personal.

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FantasticMrFox
Posts: 592
Joined: Tue May 03, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please help

Postby FantasticMrFox » Tue May 17, 2011 3:54 pm

bk1 wrote:3. You have a lot of cliches, get rid of them. (e.g. I could do anything I wanted to, reconnect with dad, importance of college, true believer, etc etc)

Yeah, start over

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Horchata
Posts: 163
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:09 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please help

Postby Horchata » Wed May 18, 2011 3:34 am

Post in different URM or PS sections.

Make your theme clearer. From what I can see, I like the idea of it, though.

shoeshine
Posts: 1241
Joined: Wed May 04, 2011 10:58 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please help

Postby shoeshine » Wed May 18, 2011 3:47 am

bk1 wrote:1. Starting with a quote is generally a bad idea.

2. This doesn't sound very personal. You describe your situation matter-of-factly without really delving into how it affects you.

3. You have a lot of cliches, get rid of them. (e.g. I could do anything I wanted to, reconnect with dad, importance of college, true believer, etc etc)

I would probably scrap it and start over, making sure that your next draft is more personal.


+1

You diversity is living in two towns?




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