Any input would be greatly appreciated! It's kind of short (About a page and a half, although if schools don't ask for "why x" essays I usually throw in a brief paragraph):

“We may never see the end result, but that is the difference between the Master Builder and the worker.” I reflected upon these words of Archbishop Oscar Romero as our plane touched down at the Managua International Airport in Nicaragua. We were eight students from a small Jesuit college on the Gulf Coast who had volunteered to help revitalize one of Managua’s poorest barrios by assisting in the construction of a house for a family that was living in a structure of cardboard planks and tin sheets. We were eager to serve, but did not quite know what we were getting into. As the bus bounced through the city of Managua, I was in dismay at the abject poverty all around us. I asked myself, “Will our efforts make a difference?” I felt more like an unskilled worker than a master builder.
At the project site, I proceeded to hammer away, mix cement, and do whatever was asked of me. One task was especially daunting--constructing rebar, which required fitting steel beams through metal rings and simply could not be done alone. Ana, the mother of the family we were there to help, saw my struggle and quickly responded. Working together, this seemingly impossible task had become virtually effortless. We both smiled and Archbishop Romero’s words began to make more sense. We are all the workers and only through solidarity with those we are serving can we get a glimpse of the end result.
My father practiced labor law in New Orleans but died of cancer when I was seven years old. My mother, a hardworking nurse, has splendidly raised my sister and me through our formative years. My gift has been their example of charity, compassion, and perseverance. Along the way I have met people from all walks of life who have reached out to me with loving kindness, wisdom, and thoughtfulness. Through my life experiences and particularly what I have learned at Spring Hill College, I have come to value social justice and humility. These are some of the values that inform my decision to pursue a career in law, particularly public interest law.
I now question the premise that the end result is a future event. Rather, I surmise that it is a happening to the next moment. Our lives are enriched by serving others and, within the humility of reliance, allowing others to likewise serve us. In advocating justice, I receive equality. In promoting freedom, I garner liberty. In discerning truth, I speak judiciously. I believe my calling is the practice of law. I hope to make a difference in the lives of many and, in doing so, acquire the reward of the worker. Thus, I respectfully submit this personal statement for your consideration as part of my application.

Further develop the story in South America. I felt as though you started to jump around after that.

Also, the last paragraph did not sit well with me.

Overall, I think you have a good start, but you need to tone down the thesaurus in a few places.

Very well written for such a concise piece, but I don't understand what you're trying to convey. What was the point of the story in Nicaragua? I understand how it expounds on your opening quote (this part is well-done), but I don't see what you're trying to say to ad comms.

The transition from Nicaragua to your bio was really abrupt. From that point on, the statement weakens. You move from a nice anecdote to somehow harboring deep ideals of justice, equality, and truth. Without a real narrative to show how you developed such deep convictions, it just seems artificial. All you mention is "life experiences." Which ones are you talking about? If your mother was the source of your inspiration, elaborate. Any particular events/stories?



Get rid of these sentences - they are really contrived.


This conclusion would be stronger if the "reward of the worker" were further explicated throughout your essay. After reading, I don't really understand what reward that is, and how you intend to achieve through law.

You have a lot of good stuff here, but I think you can lengthen it and get a lot more leg work out of it.

First, I would axe the "I respectfully submit this personal statement..." line. It's not necessary.

Second, flesh out the second paragraph. You could make some really powerful arguments and discuss the impact that was made on you when the woman you were there to help in turn assisted you. This is a very moving image and you kind of just graze over it.

Third, your transition into the third paragraph is a bit abrupt and startling. You go from Managua to your dad dying. You need to prepare us for this. Further, a discussion of your father's untimely death warrants more than a sentence. You write, "My gift has been their example of charity, compassion, and perseverance."- you should show us this with an example. Perhaps you could tie this back in with your work at Managua. Talk about your mother's sacrifice and how even though she was going through so much and had to shoulder so much responsibility she still selflessly gave to you in the way the woman at the barrio did. By doing this you would show that, "Along the way I have met people from all walks of life who have reached out to me with loving kindness, wisdom, and thoughtfulness..." instead of just telling us in a sentence which any applicant can and probably will write.

Fourth, what have you learned at Spring Hill College? Again, show us, don't tell us.

Lastly, your final paragraph can be really powerful especially if you adopt some of my earlier suggestions. That way your claims at the end stem logically from the pictures you have created instead of seeming like something obtusely profound you just came up with to sound smart

Overall, what you've got is good, but you can definitely make it great!

Awesome suggestions..much appreciated!