Hello, fellow splitter! Good luck to you this cycle.
dailygrind wrote:
Mine was a misspent youth. I had an unhealthy relationship with my parents stemming from their desire to control my life, and my own desire to live freely (This comes off as immature--don't all teenagers think their parents are too controlling?). Looking back I can see that they only wanted the best for me and hold no grudges. However, at the time it made me resentful. I grew up angry at my lack of control, and developed a huge amount of cynicism as well. This did not help me in connecting with others, which only added to my cynicism and anger. By the time I hit college I was a mess, apathetic and directionless, just drifting along where life took me. Fortunately for me, in the spring of my sophomore year I saw a poster for Study Abroad and became infatuated with the idea. I saw adventure, change, and a chance to remake myself; I knew I had to go. I immediately started researching and planning, running the numbers. I lacked the necessary funds, so I decided to work part time. (Shows you are willing to work to achieve your goals, but...) I had a friend whose uncle could get me a job bartending there. (Well, at least it wasn't your dad giving you the job. Just say you took up bartending and don't mention that you only got hired because of your connections.)
So it was that the fall of my junior year saw me standing on the other side of the world with an idiotic grin, and an even more idiotic bank account balance. (Idiotic and bad with managing his money. Not the picture you would like to paint in the reader's mind) The first semester saw me stretched to the breaking point; I was juggling a lot of responsibilities before I had learned proper time management. The next semester things really changed. Partially this was due to my philosophy class, where I was exposed to some of the ideas of Aristotle and I reshaped my fundamental ideas about life and happiness. (What ideas? How did they shape your ideas about life? Go into more detail here. You might find an entirely new PS in what you write.) Mostly, it was due to a frightening moment of self realization. I was very active in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at the time, and one day during practice I got choked out. As I lost consciousness, my initial thought was that I was really dying. Thoughts flashed through my consciousness like lightning. (Cheese) I thought about how I had lived my life, what I had accomplished, and what I would leave behind me. The conclusions were humbling. The only thing I could feel was the deepest shame and regret. Why had I squandered my time, wasted my talents, ignored my blessings? I had been a fool. When I came to, it was like being reborn. I vowed then that when my time really came, I would be able to look back at my life with no regrets, having lived my life as well as I could. I wrote up my mantra and tacked it over my bed; every morning I stared at it before going about my day. (You need to show, not tell. What exactly was your mantra?)
Since then, I have changed a great deal. My studies have advanced dramatically in difficulty and content while my GPA has steadily climbed. I’ve done this while excelling at a strenuous part time job averaging 25 hours a week (This is all resume and transcript stuff. No need to go over it again in the PS). I was promoted to bartender ahead of many others who had been there longer, and had shifts as I wanted them (This sounds especially bad if the reader knows it was your friend's uncle who gave you the job in the first place. Get rid of it). I am currently enrolled in a graduate class, writing a senior thesis, and writing another equally demanding research paper on real estate economics. Even my weightlifting hobby has taken off; I’ve put on over 20 pounds in lean muscle over the last year and a half, and my main lifts have all increased dramatically (Not a good selling point because we didn't even know you had a weightlifting hobby before this sentence. If you were struggling with it before, mention that earlier). I’ve put my feet on the path of self actualization, and will do everything possible to realize my full potential.
I believe law school is the next logical step on this path. I think that the training I can receive in law school is well matched to my own talents, particularly critical thinking, understanding arguments and their implications, and my background in economics (Don't reinvent the wheel here. Your conclusion should wrap up the argument built in the previous paragraphs, not introduce new reasons why they should accept you). Although it has been a winding road leading here, I believe that the lessons I’ve learned from the detours along the way have made me a better person, more capable, determined, and compassionate (The first two I follow, but why are you more compassionate?). Whatever lies ahead, I am ready to face it head on (Cheese).
My main thought while reading your PS is that you have a lot you want to talk about, but you're unfocused. Instead of telling your life story, pick a story that's easy to follow and shows how you grew and matured as a person. Maybe just talk about how after getting choked out in jiu jitsu, you were inspired to put more work into your academics, you changed your study habits, and then you experienced the payoff when you got an A on your exam (or something more exciting than that, but you get my point).
Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:04 pm