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 Post subject: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:47 pm 

Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:32 pm
Archived Posts: 2
It's everyone's favorite time of year! LS App Time!! The jubilation is overwhelming I know. Attached below is a PS for review. Let me know what you think. Please be brutally honest, and detailed where possible!

“There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.” Douglas H. Everett

Knock-knock-knock.

Three quick raps on the door and I take a few steps back. A small bead of perspiration trickles down my neck produced this time by the menacing sun overhead and not edgy nerves as in times long past. However, my calm facade cannot belie the fact that knocking on a complete stranger's door is still a little like roulette. You never fully expect a pleasant outcome, and are never fully surprised when you lose; regardless of what may or may not happen, in that moment of wary uncertainty your heart pounds.

"Oh hey, you must be the boss here..." I casually begin as the homeowner cautiously greets me. It's my 3rd year as a pest control door-to-door salesman, and I ask leading questions, offer soft and hard closes, address issues, and assuage any dissonance with a veteran's savvy. Ten minutes later, after a warm, parting handshake, I step out of the shade and back into the scorching sun, only this time, it’s congratulatory rays that beam down, having just acquired our 10,000th client in less than two years.

The past three years of my life have been dedicated to the pursuit of transforming elusive ideas into substantive realities. It is a pursuit that has utilized my firm belief in the tenets of hard work and service to others. So, two years ago, when my boss approached me and shared his vision of a national pest control company, with a clientele of 100,000 customers, I asked, "What can I do to get us there?" Being a “bug-boy”, as we’re commonly referred to, was not a specific aspiration of mine. Yet, I became fully committed to the company. My manager and I were close friends, and I wanted not only to help him fulfill his dream, but was also eager for a new challenge.

That commitment has taken me down demanding roads and taught me invaluable lessons. Recruiting, interviewing, hiring and training a national sales team taught me how to be a leader. When the scrutinizing gaze of thirty salesmen, all susceptible to the emotional roller coaster inherent with the profession, rests upon you daily, one quickly learns to focus their efforts and to stretch their work capacity. The ideal of leading by example morphed from cliché to a bona fide reality- a reality that forged the fearlessness requisite to approach the residences of 15,000 complete strangers, outfitted with naught but a binder and the hope that the homeowner was not a practicing member of the NRA. Each of those door approaches had to be razor-sharp-persuasive with a general affability- I had less than 20-seconds to engage them on some level or have a door slammed in my face. I became adept at overcoming negative sentiments by reading people, instantly analyzing their responses, and directing our conversational flow.

This past summer, in a stroke of pure irony, I contracted West Nile Virus from a mosquito bite. Despite missing two-thirds of the summer in fever-comatose, I was still able to outsell the majority of our sales team. As a trainer and through my own humbling failures, I learned to control human emotions, accept repeated rejection, encourage the demoralized, and correct injurious mental blocks. Above all, I have learned that you can overcome any obstacle with a sense of optimism and hard work.

After 18-months, we realized that despite our best efforts, we were not growing fast enough to hit our benchmarks. The company needed a new way to generate additional sales. We had tried everything we knew; yet we were still falling short, the answer eluding us. Then, late one night, while cramming for a finance exam, I had an epiphany: why strain to reach 50 potential clients a day, when it’s possible to remotely reach 5,000? The only problem was I knew nothing of online sales or website development. After three months of research, seeking advice, and diligent effort, I created http://www.****.com, an online sales platform. For me, authoring the content for the website served as the most scrupulous writing assignment to date, knowing that the material would be read by scores of thousands of website visitors. The toil, sweat, and tears paid off. It has aptly served as a validating tool, an informational resource, and a sales producer. Today, *** **** Pest Control continues to enjoy goal-achieving growth and is on pace to hit all milestones.

My experience with *** *** PC, along with the development of two independent business plans that have received funding pledges, has aroused my interest in both corporate and intellectual property law. My calling in this life is to help entrepreneurs succeed, to give them the tools, knowledge, and legal expertise they need to elevate paper napkin flashes of innovative brilliance to veritable ventures. Having convened with this group in the past, I know it will be my life’s pleasure to rub elbows with and share in the zeal that these individuals have for their proposed businesses. Thus, it is my hope and great expectation that through the study of law, I will attain a skill set that will complement a dreamer’s fervor with the practical, legal mechanisms to achieve such an elevation.

My personal dream is to be the transformer from Douglas H. Everett’s quote. I know that for my dream to come to full fruition, I need guidance, tutelage, and mentorship from the finest legal minds. I know that the ** School of Law can be that same transformer in my life with its renowned Intellectual Property Certification Program. Over the past 5 years, *** has become my home, and I am indebted to the state for having afforded me the opportunity to attend the **Other State School**. I anxiously look forward to my graduation from *** Law, so I can face new challenges as an attorney, helping the bright business minds that will shape and propel **The state**’s future.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:54 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:32 pm
Archived Posts: 1385
I think you did a good job! I would lose the quote in the beginning and the **** law refrences where you can plug any name in. Just say "I look forward to my graduation from law school, so I can...".


Edited: removed quoted PS in case OP does not want it stuck here forever.


Last edited by kritiosboy on Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:11 pm 

Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:59 pm
Archived Posts: 523
haha i like your PS! a few minor grammatical errors and issues w/ some slight fluidity - i dont know, something that can be fixed by other ppl reading and editing it

content-wise i think it is very solid!


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:25 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:31 pm
Archived Posts: 1199
Hi.

I don't really like your PS. I don't understand why you use that quote. You're gonna turn a dream world into a reality as a lawyer? I hate to disappoint you but you probably get stuck drafting lots of documents as a lawyer.

Being a "bug-boy" is as impressive as being a candy-striper. I once picked-up dog-sh*t over a summer to make some money -- impressed? Well as a lawyer, people will probably see you as a pest.

The paragraph "That commitment... conversational flow" is a huge waste. You use a lot of fancy words and clever statements, but essentially you were a door to door salesman. At this point you sound psychotic... you need to turn your dream world into reality - you go door to door, like a paperboy - wow!!

You built a website - wow!!! Hey, anyone can do that nowadays. That's like saying you built your very own power point presentation.

Do you have a background in engineering? You need an engineering degree to become a Patent Attorney.

Not good. You don't really have a message, prove your case, nothing. You use fancy wording to make yourself sound smart but you lack substance.

My walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:26 pm 

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:34 am
Archived Posts: 495
araiza99 wrote:
Hi.

I don't really like your PS. I don't understand why you use that quote. You're gonna turn a dream world into a reality as a lawyer? I hate to disappoint you but you probably get stuck drafting lots of documents as a lawyer.

Being a "bug-boy" is as impressive as being a candy-striper. I once picked-up dog-sh*t over a summer to make some money -- impressed? Well as a lawyer, people will probably see you as a pest.

The paragraph "That commitment... conversational flow" is a huge waste. You use a lot of fancy words and clever statements, but essentially you were a door to door salesman. At this point you sound psychotic... you need to turn your dream world into reality - you go door to door, like a paperboy - wow!!

You built a website - wow!!! Hey, anyone can do that nowadays. That's like saying you built your very own power point presentation.

Do you have a background in engineering? You need an engineering degree to become a Patent Attorney.

Not good. You don't really have a message, prove your case, nothing. You use fancy wording to make yourself sound smart but you lack substance.

My walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.


Wow, did the OP run over your dog or something :roll: ?


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:29 pm 

Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:43 am
Archived Posts: 51
i dont agree with everyone else. i think it is very very well written. it shows how much you have accomplish, a points alot of things about your skills, your personality, and why you will be successful in law school. i do think you could tie it in more with law school, but i think its well done.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:32 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:32 pm
Archived Posts: 1385
araiza99 wrote:
Hi.

I don't really like your PS. I don't understand why you use that quote. You're gonna turn a dream world into a reality as a lawyer? I hate to disappoint you but you probably get stuck drafting lots of documents as a lawyer.

Being a "bug-boy" is as impressive as being a candy-striper. I once picked-up dog-sh*t over a summer to make some money -- impressed? Well as a lawyer, people will probably see you as a pest.

The paragraph "That commitment... conversational flow" is a huge waste. You use a lot of fancy words and clever statements, but essentially you were a door to door salesman. At this point you sound psychotic... you need to turn your dream world into reality - you go door to door, like a paperboy - wow!!

You built a website - wow!!! Hey, anyone can do that nowadays. That's like saying you built your very own power point presentation.

Do you have a background in engineering? You need an engineering degree to become a Patent Attorney.

Not good. You don't really have a message, prove your case, nothing. You use fancy wording to make yourself sound smart but you lack substance.

My walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.


Ara:

Hi.

What was your PS about? More importantly, how would you suggest people who have not done anything spectacular go about writing their personal statements?

Douchebags (like you) will focus on the fact that he was a "mere" salesman. (How dare that filth imagine he is fit for the pristine world of the legal profession?!). Most people who are not douchebags, on the other hand, will probably chuckle at the quirkiness of pest control door-to-door sales as they get down to focusing on the fact that this young person was intimately involved in growing a business and instrumental in the success it eventually achevied. FYI, he does not need to be an IP lawyer to help entrepeneurs get the legal advice they need. hth.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:23 am 

Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:00 am
Archived Posts: 295
TAKE OUT THE QUOTE AND LAST PARAGRAPH. I cannot emphasize this enough! Your statement has a lot of potential, but the quote and last paragraph have to go -- comes across as forced and ultimately cliche. Work on flow and grammar -- you have some choppy sentences that need to be cut down/reworked (wish I had time to do this, but I don't)

Get in touch with an English major and have them fine tooth this! I think you will be just fine!


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:31 am 

Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:43 pm
Archived Posts: 803
I actually like it. Good job. Of course, besides the editing that needs to be done, I think it is great.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:21 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:01 am
Archived Posts: 228
Location: TX
Just in case there is any confusion about what some posters have said, you don't need a science/engineering background to be an IP attorney. You need those degrees to take the "patent bar," but you can still do IP litigation and other IP-related work such as helping to design legal strategies for brands without those qualifications.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:27 am 

Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2008 4:42 pm
Archived Posts: 2105
I think it's great, but the quote and last paragraph should go imo.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:33 am 

Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:31 pm
Archived Posts: 1199
I'm just trying to be honest. That doesn't mean that the writer is worthless - I'm sure dukebaby is a very interesting person - who isn't?

I agree with ilanarebecca that the PS is very well written - without a doubt. But it lacks substance. I'm not a admissions person so I don't know if they focus of style or substance but I imagine admissions folks start to look for grammatical errors and choppy sentences if that's all they are given to work with. Is that what you want them to judge you on?

I don't understand how this demonstrates you would be successful in law school or as a lawyer.

My PS might suck too, I dunno. The first time I sent it out to a school it had two typos (idiot, I know). I'm not perfect.

I actually work for a major law firm. I passed the patent bar. I work directly with major international clients. I'm very lucky.

I agree that dukebaby does not need to be an IP lawyer to help entrepreneurs get legal advice, but what credibility will dukebaby have for technology (IP)??? A degree in poli-sci?

Turkishfish is correct that a science/engineering background is not necessary to be a lawyer who works in IP, you can be a litigator, etcetera. Did dukebaby give this type of explanation? Maybe dukebaby's statement would be more effective if this type of information was communicated. Does Dukebaby want to be a litigator?


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:35 pm 

Joined: Wed Oct 22, 2008 1:41 pm
Archived Posts: 479
Like others, I advise you to loose the quote and last paragraph. I'm not anti-quote (some people will say you should never use a quote) but, in your case, it doesn't add anything to the overall statement. It, actually, comes across as a little flip since you spend the majority of your essay focusing on the minutae of sales and then, at the end, pull out this by-the-way-I-want-to-change-the-world thing...

I vote for modesty.

In general it is well written and reads easy. Make sure you aren't applying to any schools that have a 500 word limit. Some minor polishing would help.

Not bad for an early draft.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you find my comments helpful, return the favor! I posted my PS on this thread: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=43963&p=936873#p936873


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:56 pm 

Joined: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:28 pm
Archived Posts: 5276
Loose the quote and bring your stated purpose back down to earth a little. I believe you can do a lot of good as a lawyer, but I think centering your goals in life around transforming the world sounds a little grandiose. I have nothing against dreamers or very ambitious do-gooders you just don't want to risk sounding insincere or naive.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:51 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:32 pm
Archived Posts: 1385
araiza99 wrote:
I'm just trying to be honest. That doesn't mean that the writer is worthless - I'm sure dukebaby is a very interesting person - who isn't?

I agree with ilanarebecca that the PS is very well written - without a doubt. But it lacks substance. I'm not a admissions person so I don't know if they focus of style or substance but I imagine admissions folks start to look for grammatical errors and choppy sentences if that's all they are given to work with. Is that what you want them to judge you on?

I don't understand how this demonstrates you would be successful in law school or as a lawyer.

My PS might suck too, I dunno. The first time I sent it out to a school it had two typos (idiot, I know). I'm not perfect.

I actually work for a major law firm. I passed the patent bar. I work directly with major international clients. I'm very lucky.

I agree that dukebaby does not need to be an IP lawyer to help entrepreneurs get legal advice, but what credibility will dukebaby have for technology (IP)??? A degree in poli-sci?

Turkishfish is correct that a science/engineering background is not necessary to be a lawyer who works in IP, you can be a litigator, etcetera. Did dukebaby give this type of explanation? Maybe dukebaby's statement would be more effective if this type of information was communicated. Does Dukebaby want to be a litigator?



Ok, now I understand the disconnect between your response to this PS and most others here. See, you have done something which could give you a strong PS. You can write I want to be a lawyer because of ___________, without making far-fetched connections. I'd wager that a large portion of the law school applicant pool doesn't know anything about drafting documents, dealing with legal clients or any of the other inside insight you have. The best these people can do is show that they have the character to be good law school students and that that hopefully translates into being a good lawyer someday.

I did not like your first response because I thought what you were getting at was that the lawyers are cut from a different cloth than the salesman. I remember some douchebag was turned off from Northwestern law because he met a former insurance salesman at admitted students weekend (or something like that). I hope that everyone realizes that there are brilliant people who go into every profession for a million different reasons and that because an individual is a member of a prestigious profession it is not given that they are more intelligent or more capable than anyone.

I still think the OP's PS is pretty good because it shouldn't disqualify him from any school that he should get into. I don't think that many should expect their PS to do more than that.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:01 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:31 pm
Archived Posts: 1199
kritiosboy wrote:
araiza99 wrote:
I'm just trying to be honest. That doesn't mean that the writer is worthless - I'm sure dukebaby is a very interesting person - who isn't?

I agree with ilanarebecca that the PS is very well written - without a doubt. But it lacks substance. I'm not a admissions person so I don't know if they focus of style or substance but I imagine admissions folks start to look for grammatical errors and choppy sentences if that's all they are given to work with. Is that what you want them to judge you on?

I don't understand how this demonstrates you would be successful in law school or as a lawyer.

My PS might suck too, I dunno. The first time I sent it out to a school it had two typos (idiot, I know). I'm not perfect.

I actually work for a major law firm. I passed the patent bar. I work directly with major international clients. I'm very lucky.

I agree that dukebaby does not need to be an IP lawyer to help entrepreneurs get legal advice, but what credibility will dukebaby have for technology (IP)??? A degree in poli-sci?

Turkishfish is correct that a science/engineering background is not necessary to be a lawyer who works in IP, you can be a litigator, etcetera. Did dukebaby give this type of explanation? Maybe dukebaby's statement would be more effective if this type of information was communicated. Does Dukebaby want to be a litigator?



Ok, now I understand the disconnect between your response to this PS and most others here. See, you have done something which could give you a strong PS. You can write I want to be a lawyer because of ___________, without making far-fetched connections. I'd wager that a large portion of the law school applicant pool doesn't know anything about drafting documents, dealing with legal clients or any of the other inside insight you have. The best these people can do is show that they have the character to be good law school students and that that hopefully translates into being a good lawyer someday.

I did not like your first response because I thought what you were getting at was that the lawyers are cut from a different cloth than the salesman. I remember some douchebag was turned off from Northwestern law because he met a former insurance salesman at admitted students weekend (or something like that). I hope that everyone realizes that there are brilliant people who go into every profession for a million different reasons and that because an individual is a member of a prestigious profession it is not given that they are more intelligent or more capable than anyone.

I still think the OP's PS is pretty good because it shouldn't disqualify him from any school that he should get into. I don't think that many should expect their PS to do more than that.


I agree with you somewhat. Just because I have some experience doesn't mean I focused on that for my PS. I only included one paragraph about my experience. Attorneys here said that my work experience was really specialized and that I should discuss something else not included in my resume - so i did.

The reason I don't think bug-boy's PS is good is because there is no clear connection between experience and future ambitions. I can't see why he would want to go to law school or become a lawyer, or how his experience has prepared him. I think salespeople would make fine lawyers - look at litigators (THEY ARE SALESPEOPLE). Also, a good salesperson is probably a good negotiator and that is invaluable in law, but bug-boy doesn't make that connection.

FYI, being a lawyer is not such a prestigious profession. Most lawyers make about $45k a year - ouch!! and spend days and nights drafting documents.

Bug-boy does not make a connection with the legal profession, he just tells a detailed story of being a door-to-door salesman. In that case, who cares?


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:20 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:32 pm
Archived Posts: 1385
araiza99 wrote:

The reason I don't think bug-boy's PS is good is because there is no clear connection between experience and future ambitions. I can't see why he would want to go to law school or become a lawyer, or how his experience has prepared him. I think salespeople would make fine lawyers - look at litigators (THEY ARE SALESPEOPLE). Also, a good salesperson is probably a good negotiator and that is invaluable in law, but bug-boy doesn't make that connection.

Bug-boy does not make a connection with the legal profession, he just tells a detailed story of being a door-to-door salesman. In that case, who cares?


^This is very different from what's quoted below.



araiza99 wrote:
Hi....

My
walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a
salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts
him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:37 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:31 pm
Archived Posts: 1199
kritiosboy wrote:
araiza99 wrote:

The reason I don't think bug-boy's PS is good is because there is no clear connection between experience and future ambitions. I can't see why he would want to go to law school or become a lawyer, or how his experience has prepared him. I think salespeople would make fine lawyers - look at litigators (THEY ARE SALESPEOPLE). Also, a good salesperson is probably a good negotiator and that is invaluable in law, but bug-boy doesn't make that connection.

Bug-boy does not make a connection with the legal profession, he just tells a detailed story of being a door-to-door salesman. In that case, who cares?


^This is very different from what's quoted below.



araiza99 wrote:
Hi....

My
walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a
salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts
him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.



How is it different?


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:38 pm 

Joined: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:31 pm
Archived Posts: 1199
araiza99 wrote:
kritiosboy wrote:
araiza99 wrote:

The reason I don't think bug-boy's PS is good is because there is no clear connection between experience and future ambitions. I can't see why he would want to go to law school or become a lawyer, or how his experience has prepared him. I think salespeople would make fine lawyers - look at litigators (THEY ARE SALESPEOPLE). Also, a good salesperson is probably a good negotiator and that is invaluable in law, but bug-boy doesn't make that connection.

Bug-boy does not make a connection with the legal profession, he just tells a detailed story of being a door-to-door salesman. In that case, who cares?


^This is very different from what's quoted below.



araiza99 wrote:
Hi....

My
walk away: The bug-boy wants to work in corporate law and IP law as a
salesman? Well maybe he can build websites for the law firm that puts
him in the basement.

Terrible. Sorry.



How is it different?



I MEANT "NOT GOOD", sorry


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:41 pm 

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:13 pm
Archived Posts: 2985
Do Adcomm members ever google a quote from your personal statement and then find out things about you based on your posts or is that just crazy paranoia?


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 Post subject: Re: The Best/Worst PS to Date.... Let the Jury (you) Decide!!
PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 4:24 pm 

Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2008 1:46 pm
Archived Posts: 359
Someone hates their job in law!


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