Went for a short-but-sweet type thing. Tried to be thoughtful. Any response is appreciated. Also, can anyone figure out how to indent their posts??
LSAT: 170
GPA: 3.1 w/addendum, was a competitive and sponsored freestyle skier the first two years of school. hopefully the bong rips and concussions are not too evident.

I am not disillusioned. My dreams of being a lawyer were once of Alana de la Garza; they are now manila folder nightmares, with the occasional copier cameo. The hundreds of hours I’ve spent volunteering and interning at the Office of the State Public Defender have shown me the harsh realities of criminal law in America. The men and women I admire are a navy in a sea of paper; they wage a war against injustice and false accusation. They do not hope to tear down the buildings that police and district attorneys construct; instead, they are the building inspectors. Like some kind of revolution, it is referred to as “the cause”; it is an onus they shoulder for those who cannot bear it by themselves. They champion the poor in a world that celebrates the rich.

I am not discouraged. Some lawyers I work for look twenty years older than they should; I revere them like a novice soldier admires a scarred veteran. I have been forewarned against “working myself into the grave”, but the men in history that I admire most did just that. I have been told harrowing tales of the low salary prospects of public defense, but I will not be dissuaded. I have had money, but not the twinkle in the eye that evinces true satisfaction in life.

I am not unprepared. My study in history has been one that places burden solely on proof. I’ve yet to meet a primary witness to the American Revolution; this has not deterred my analyses of it. My late grandfather, Marine Corps colonel with a PhD. in history once told me “if you know only your generation, you’ll always be a child”; so, in writing and research, I emulate my ancestors by constructing a small but nigh impregnable trace italienne solely of library books. I am often able to withstand siege for weeks or months, or at least until the library staff kicks me out, usually around midnight.

I am not unrealistic. I cannot prevent injustice everywhere. I cannot single-handedly palliate the burdens of poverty. I can strive only to uphold the rights and laws that Americans hold dear with altruism and aplomb; I can hope only that I am not alone my cause. I’m certain I will know failure; I am more certain that I’ll never be content with it.

I will be a Federal Public Defender. Thanks for your time.

That you have thought through your future as a lawyer is apparent. Your statement is well-written and interesting, though a tad clause-y. In this case, the clause-y-ness is consistent and prose-ish, so I like it. The only thing I'm not sure of is ending with "Thanks for your time." It's a little bit of a jolt after the prose.

Unlike most people that try and pull off a highly stylized personal statement, for the most part yours works. It's clear from this statement that you are a capable writer, and this is not, as so often occurs in personal statements, a case of someone using big words or complex syntax just to make themselves sound impressive (and ultimately coming off as the opposite. being able to use the thesaurus =/= intelligent). You know how to use a semi-colon, which is good (although I don't think you need to use one four times in the first paragraph). The problem in most cases when people aim high is that they are completely incapable of reaching the goal at which they are grasping. That is not the problem here.

I agree with the person above - the "Thanks for your time" is an odd conclusion to me. I kind of understand what you're going for, but it still seems like an abrupt conclusion, and one that is somewhat out of sorts with the carefully controlled voice that characterizes the rest of your piece.

It also kind of brings me to my other point, which is that it might, in some ways, be too well-written. Most of what I've heard from adcomms is that they kind of ask themselves "Would I like to hang out with this guy?" In this case, it almost comes off as if you're trying too hard, and the "Thanks for your time" seems an attempt to posit yourself as superior to the adcomm, a position I don't think any of them would like to be put in by an applicant's personal statement.

My advice is to tone down the style a little bit, and make it sound less like a carefully-crafted, prosaic, written piece, and more like something you would actually say to an adcomm if they asked you "why do you want to go to law school?" It's not that your style is bad - it's actually very good. But I'd be kind of worried that the committee will end up thinking "Wow, this guy's a douche" instead of "Wow, this guy knows how to write." Keep in mind that creative writing is, in 99% of the cases, not something that is useful to a lawyer. This type of statement might work better for an undergraduate personal statement, but for a law school application, I think it's not quite "professional" enough.

Obviously, these are just my thoughts, and I can't claim to know everything - or even anything, really - about admissions committees, the rest of your application, your resume, your personality, etc. Take everything with a grain of salt, and feel free to ignore everything I just said.

There's nothing terribly wrong with the statement, but the end was a bit off-putting to me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it had something to do with the abrupt transition from talking generally about public defense work to firmly resolving to get a job in a specific public defense field and then ending the statement. I would add a bit of clarification, and definitely remove "Thank you for your time." The tone seems too formal (arguably throughout the entire piece, though definitely at the end), when the point of your personal statement is to be personal (duh).

As to smaller concerns, I think your sentence about the American Revolution would be better served as "Revolution, but this" rather than the semi-colon. Just because a semi-colon is a bit fancier doesn't necessarily make it the best choice stylistically. Also, I don't think that Alana de la Garza is necessarily well-known enough to casually reference like that. I had to look up who she is (sexy, that's who).

Anyway, I think you're moving in the right direction. Schools like to see someone who has a clear vision and a real reason to study law.

Points well taken guys and thanks to everybody. This is why I posted it, I don't really have anyone else with similar aspirations or perspective that I can run this by.

So in terms of voice, is it professional or personal or neither? I'm having trouble with style on this... I haven't really read any that come across as "professional", but a lot of the ones I've read sound super personal because they are about a specific experience so they are relating something. I'm just trying to convince somebody that I don't need anyone to hold my hand, I know what I'm doing and how I'm gonna do it.

Looking back, I think I could tone down the douche-iness, which is totally present haha. Maybe some contractions/colloquialisms could help? I wasn't trying to write a poem but now it's looking like one to me. fucking a.

Truth be told, I feel like Hesse, when he says words don't convey thoughts well, something gets lost. I'm trying to distance myself from other statements (and from my sub-stellar GPA), but I don't really have these "I was raised by wolves and one was an alcoholic and the other was abusive and very sarcastic" type stories... I just know exactly what I want to do and I'm trying to make that work for me.

As for the ending, I just don't know what to do at all. It's hard to end strong. I'll definitely get rid of the "thanks for your time", that just makes it sound like a more-douchy email or something. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for help guys. I really appreciate it. This PS thing sucks... I can usually write very easily when it's research papers, but something about selling myself is really really hard.

Also, wouldn't mind someone just completely obliterating the damned thing. I appreciate you guys being nice(and you are very helpful) but sometimes you can pick some gold out of the shitstorm that some people shred your PS into.

bcp

This is my thought process as I read your PS:

Paragraph 1 - lots of style, less substance. Maybe lighten up on the metaphors and sub-in some more conrete examples? Throughout all of the metaphors I lost sight of what "it" you are referring to. Also, I think an opening paragraph can set up a theme or motif and too many different types can lead the reader into beginning to think there is lack of focus right from the get-go.

Paragraph 2 - ok here it looks like you're going with the military motif. Public Defenders on the Battlefield. I get it at this point, but it's a little obtuse, sorry. I like the structure of this paragraph - it lends a nice cadence.

So, why so many references to the military? Do you you do ROTC or have a military family? If not, the motif might come off as arbitrary. You said you spent some time as a freestyle skier -- why not use that? It might make for a more personal feel.

Overall my biggest criticism of this would be that it is really dramatic. That isn't a problem per se, if you did in fact face down and overcome some epic challenges, but none were specifically mentioned so the effect might be trite. Don't get me wrong, your writing (style and mechanics) is fantastic, but I don't know that these amorphous self-assessments yield the kind of substance that an admissions council might be looking for.

" emulate my ancestors by constructing a small but nigh impregnable trace italienne solely of library books. I am often able to withstand siege for weeks or months, or at least until the library staff kicks me out, usually around midnight."

ok, so you studied a lot, is that your deal? Well, how much is a lot? And "nigh impregnable" sounds kind of medieval although I laughed, it might not be appropriate.

My Improvement Checklist would be:

1. Eliminate the variety of metaphors and stick to 1 theme but not an obtuse one.
2. Add more specifics - at least one anecdote to give substance to your assertions.
3. Last paragraph is great. Delete your closing sentence though.

Now please read mine!

A couple of things:

(a) Don't use so many semi-colons. They are all over the place. Unnecessary.
(b) I agree that, if you stick with this essay, you should remove the last sentence. It's not a cover letter.
(c) That said, I think that you should scrap the whole thing for two reasons: (i) it's too abstract and doesn't really get at specific things you've done that differentiate you from "the herd"; (ii) you're obviously a great writer who, with a little time and effort, could compose a fantastic essay around a concrete accomplishment.

Arguably, none of this $hit matters because you have a 170, but I think this essay will get lost in the pile. I'd take an inventory of your experiences and try to hammer something else out.

Good luck.

I really liked this one. It's really unique, and I like that it's not the typical "overcoming hardships" PS. I really wouldn't change too much. Definitely listen to advice you are given, but your style is unique and stands out, so make sure the advice doesn't water down your voice as a writer, so to speak. As everyone else has said, delete the last sentence, and I'd take out the one before it also. Some grammatical points: in "working myself into the grave" the comma should be inside the quotation marks. Also, it should be either PhD or Ph.D. (not PhD.)

+1

Forgot to mention that. I'd say you should use one or two semicolons max. It's semicolon overkill at the moment.

Excellent stuff. Definitely needed lots of people to help me tone down some of the weirdness. i don't write a lot of personal stuff i guess. and you're all right about the semicolon issue... i don't think I mean to do it, it's just the way that snobby academics write in history. the template is usually "blah blah blah this other guy is a douche; i, on the other hand, am awesome".

I'm starting a game of drinking scrabble at the moment but I'll be sure to read everyones and try to give back.

thanks again.

definitely ditching the last line. in retrospect, the last sentence of the second to last paragraph is fine to end on, and this last part is just ridiculous sounding.

aw come on! law and order! she is the best reason to watch that show. her and Ice T.